As a child, I never understood the concept of God. How could this supposedly loving man take away my father when I was just ten years old? How could he kill children, start wars, and let our world be so needlessly violent? The fact that my dad died and left my mom a single mother made me fiercely independent, so for most of my life, I was unconcerned with the idea of knowing God. I didn't realize how much happier I would feel once I opened my heart to Jesus' love.
Anxiety has always been a part of my life, but last semester I developed depression as well. I hit a really low point, and I know that it was the only reason I even considered reaching out to God. Before opening my heart to the idea of religion, I had turned to drinking as a way to mask my emotions, and I was so dependent on the people around me to make me feel good. I craved constant validation from my friends. I always worried that I was being annoying or that they didn’t actually love me as much as they said they did. I realized how unhealthy that was to depend on others to make me happy instead of myself, I just didn’t know how to stop it.
My friends had invited me to bible study at my sorority house a million times. I always found a way to turn it down, until I eventually decided that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It was actually my second time going before I felt God’s presence in my life for the first time ever. I was there, pretending that I knew what was going on. We were reading about when Jesus was resurrected, but one of his disciples didn’t believe him at first.
The words “Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed,” really hit me. To this day, I can’t figure out what it was about that verse, but it seemed to crack my heart right open. That doesn’t seem like much, but it was right then that I realized how real God is. At that point, I knew literally nothing, but I really wanted more information. I downloaded the bible app and tried reading the entire thing – big mistake, as I soon learned. No one does that. Last weekend, I went to Greek Conference with my sorority sisters, and it was the most amazing weekend I’ve had in a long time. I accepted Jesus into my heart, and I have never felt so complete and happy in my life.
I can't say that I now understand the reasoning behind everything God does, but I do know that there's a reason for it. Our time on this Earth is so tiny compared to all of eternity. I will never know nearly as much as God does, and that's okay, because I trust and love him with all of my heart.
