Dear You,

So, here I am again, talking about you when I vowed two months ago to not say a word until I was ready. I don't think I am to that point just yet, but my heart is saying that, for some reason, this is the right time. So, I did the one thing I knew I could do to prepare myself to write this. I put on some Halsey, took off my shirt, and started typing.

Now, I don't really know where to start, but I thought that we could have it all. The world falling into the palms of our hands. But, as time has shown, these thoughts are only fragments of my chaotic mind. We started off meeting in the parking lot of my first job, the Kroger in my hometown. When you Snapchatted me a picture of the front of the building, I got the most sudden shiver down my spine. You, a charismatic creature, came from out of nowhere into left field.

You were just as cute in person as you were in your picture on Grindr.

Grindr was my source of life, the one thing that kept me a finger's length away from suicide.

When it came to be finding someone, I could tease daddies of all kinds, finding friends on there I would've never thought were even close to downloading the app, let alone being active on it. Figuring out how they were doing, why they decided that Grindr was the only answer since gay men in the surrounding community only seemed to have a singular thought on their mind.

Sex.

Lots and lots of unadulterated, dirty, raunchy sex. Finding a relationship on Grindr was like shooting a target in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. But, somehow, I hit the target with a bullseye and didn't even have to cut down a single metaphorical tree to do so.

He was probably the only guy on Grindr whose profile picture didn't look like it was taken in the poorly lit bathroom of a semi-clean gay bar in the middle of Columbus. He was super cute, and he looked like he enjoyed being outside and his smile…Lord, his smile could light a room full of candles ablaze, although only to burn it down right after.

I thought I didn't have a chance with him, considering I could obtain the "world’s best-looking potato award" at any second.

But, I took a risk and messaged him.

The conversation was short, but it resulted in an exchange of numbers and Snapchat usernames. We first texted over Snapchat, since that seemed to be our go-to social media contact, since he had Twitter but never seemed to use it. We talked to each other, asking questions, making small talk, and all the sudden, things got serious. We talked actual relationships and possibilities of beginning to establish a connection. He told me to hang tight. And unfriended me.

I felt the "oh, well we messed that up quick" chills run through me, and then all the sudden, a new person added me on Snapchat.

It was him. He apologized, explaining why he mentioned earlier about him not being good for me, because I was too kindhearted, to put into words for a lack of memory. He also explained why he deleted his old account and created a new one, just to talk to me.

Then we talked and decided to meet up.

Now, meeting in a parking lot of the oldest Kroger in history was not the ideal first date, but it was something. We nervously rambled on about some random thing when suddenly I felt him grab my face. He kissed me so suddenly and for so long, I didn't want to stop. His lips were softer than a freshly washed blanket, his skin smelled like an ocean breeze, promptly so because his soap was called "ocean surge."

His eyes were closed, soft and gentle as they opened, and deep gray and green, like the open sea during the calm before a storm. There was always a sense of calm and peace when I was with him - he just gave me butterflies and made goosebumps appear when I was within ten feet of him. His voice lulled me to sleep when I couldn't seem to get any shut-eye. His touch melted me like a scented wax block that gave the aroma of home. Because I found my second home was with him, wrapped in his arms, listening to Halsey and Troye Sivan and the occasion trap music.

But, that has all disappeared.

That sense of home and love and contentment vanished from my body. You left the relationship not even a month into being together. You kept me around as a play toy for the rest of that summer, made me into a willing slave. No, not because you forced me to do things, or to come over to treat you, but because you entranced me with the words. "I love you." That phrase repeated over and over in my head every time I thought of you. I did things for you I never thought I would do for another person ever. Things that some people even see questionable up until this point.

I had fallen in love with you.

Your existence, your presence, you. But you fell in love with the thought of me. You fell in love with the idea that I was your exit from the life that bonded you so. I may have fallen for the same thing, but in my case, I realize that I would have died for you. I thought of you night and day— only you. Not you and I living forever, not us sleeping next to one another in a place of our own, but you. No matter where you were or how you came, but you.

Now, as I sit here, circulating through songs by your favorite artists, crying over this keyboard, I only have one question. Was my unconditional love not enough for you to feel wanted? Because I have come to a place of trying to move on, and I cannot give my love to anyone else because you took all of it.

I have exempted myself from relationships because you left me a hollow shell of my former self. I have resurrected a thicker, bulkier version of myself with one difference. I am not that fun, loving and creative person I once was; I am now a ruthless, and jagged human with a deceptively creative mind. My thoughts of beauty and simplicity have run from my mind and flooded into the memories of what we used to be. But it has only been two months, and somehow, someday, I will become that beautiful person again, just without all the pain and sadness that came from you.

So, I guess in a sense, I should thank you. Because without that time we had together, I wouldn't have this experience to learn and grow from. One day, I will grow back into that more unique and wonderful individual that the people I love see in me every day.

Sincerely,

Me