I can hear my mom singing, "Christmas time is a very happy time, Christmas time is all around us..." as I typed the words for this article. Of course, you would have no idea what song she is singing because the carol is not a classic, but one she originally crafted. My mom used to make the whole family sit down as she would sing the repetitive words, each one of my siblings and I dreading it.
I never imagined that one day we would not be able to hear her voice echo those lyrics.
Recently, I have been extremely anxious throughout this holiday season. I have been more depressed than usual, and I can tell my emotions are even more scattered than usual. I have wanted to give up on the holidays, especially Christmas.
I think back to last Christmas in 2016, when I had the blessing of spending the holiday with a friend and her loving family. I think to the Christmas before in 2015, my family still getting together in time to play games and exchange presents in New York.
I think about the Christmas before that year in 2014, when was the first year without my mom on Christmas.
Each year I had pain for different reasons. I wanted to give up over and over again because the holidays have not felt the same. Again, I wanted to forget about Christmas all together.
No one explains the feeling of celebrating a holiday without a loved one. You begin to complete traditions, but you remember the memories you have with that person. You remember the time they drank too much and made you play that silly "Just Dance" game on the Wii. You remember the time they told you to grab the bags out of the car trunk and you found your presents that were not yet wrapped. You remember the kitchen covered in flour from baking cookies night after night. You remember your whole family going to church for one night, on Christmas Eve, for the candlelit service. You remember that voice singing that special Christmas song that they wrote.
You have all of these special memories, and you realize that the special person who created them with you is not there. And it hurts, a lot.
While everyone constantly is spreading the holiday cheer, you cannot help but hold back your tears because everything reminds you of them. Especially this time of year.
As I look back on the last three years, I have not been able to see Christmas the same since my mom has left. Honestly, I cannot see any holiday the same. Something has not felt right. Like the memories I mentioned, I cannot help but to think about her and all of the years we shared. All of the laughs, the tears, and everything in between.
While I have been trying to figure out why I have dreaded the winter bite and the holly jolly that is in the air, deep down I knew it is because I miss my mom. I wanted to give up on Christmas and the holidays because of those mournful feelings.
But recently I also realized that I have been missing her instead of celebrating her. The holidays are times when we have the opportunity to spend moments with loved ones. We can share memories and comfort each other, instead of sulking alone. We cannot fill the place in our hearts from someone we love, but we can always make room for others. The holidays are time to learn about new people, and show how much we love those in our lives. We can always be kind, and give extra joy during this stressful time of year. We can create new memories and find happiness in old ones.
We can be thankful for what we still have.
My mom was right: Christmas is a happy time and always around us. Why? Because the feeling of Christmas is not something you discover on a Hallmark movie, or at a tree farm, or in a wrapped gift.
As corny as it is, the feeling of Christmas is always within. The love, joy, and kindness, always starts within. Therefore, Christmas is always around us. Christmas is in our family, and friends, and pets, and most of all, ourselves.
With that being said, I know I am looking forward to giving Christmas another chance, and I hope you can do the same throughout the holidays.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
