We live in a world where we see engagement photos all over social media. Most of the time they are captioned something like, “I can’t wait to marry my best friend!” And while that is terrific and all, something always jabs me the wrong way when I see those posts. To me, it feels like only half of the truth. It's like one of those statements that seem to be right, but also feels like something might be missing. For a long time I believed that this was the ideal. This was how marriages were going to last, by marrying your best friend. But what about my best girlfriends? Do they somehow become second tier in my future marriage?
See, I have lived through a couple of my parent’s divorces, and they suck. But I still believe in marriage and I am constantly trying to figure out the cheat code that will make mine last until the end.
In theory, marrying your best friend sounds like the perfect solution. Your best friend is someone you have fun with, cry with, fight and make up with. But if I am being completely honest, there are some things that only my girlfriends can understand, and I just don’t feel like some of these things are transferrable to my future husband.
So now, it’s back to square one. What will my future husband be to me? I’ve thought about this a lot. Finally, the senior pastor at my church killed the half-truth in one sentence. He said, “My wife is my partner and my friend, but not my best friend.”
Our culture has made us believe that once we get into a serious relationship or get married, our lives suddenly have to revolve around our significant other. This is isn't true. We will starve ourselves from other fruitful relationships and end up feeling empty, resentful and really co-dependent.
My friend, who is a future bride-to-be, put it in even simpler words. She said that in their marriage, they will be inter-dependent. So, what’s the difference between codependency and interdependency? Codependency in a relationship usually means the married couple depends on one another to satisfy their own individual feelings and desires. Interdependency is where there isn’t the need to control someone else to feel okay. This means that both individuals have the ability to live independently, but together. Strangely enough, interdependency leads to more intimate relationships. When both individuals don’t have to depend on one another for their own self-esteem, they don’t fear closeness, and their individual independence doesn’t threaten their relationship.
This is why I find the statement “marrying your best friend” so overwhelming. It implies that your significant other has to be you’re everything. But marriage doesn’t have to be finding the missing piece to yourself, and thank goodness that's the case. I want my future husband to be on my team and to know me deeply, but you can bet your bottom that when the day comes, my engagement photo will not label my fiancée as my best friend.
