Dear Friend Who's Gone,
(Well more like to my aunt and the guy I knew since 3rd grade.) It'll be 4 years for one and a year for latter this coming summer. Wow, time really flies, but it just does not feel the same. As I sit here listening to "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd, there's still the same fears, regrets, and gaping hole in my heart. And the fact that their masterpiece forever reminds me of you now.
We try to put labels on the "Why" but frankly it's just an excuse not to blame ourselves: the lack of support, the lack of knowledge, and the lack of experience for the pain you were suffering. I should be writing an apology to you for all the ones that hurt you and ignored you.
What always gets me is how beautiful and full of life you were. It's not fair and I was so angry for so long. At you, at God, but mostly myself. There were so many times I should have said something when silent moments came up. When the flicker in your eyes pulled something in me, like a child tugging on my sleeve asking for help, for attention.
The bags under your eyes dear, I want you to know I've felt it too. Those sleepless nights, when you toss and turn all night arguing with the universe about whether you matter, if the world would stop if you disappeared. It would be so much easier, no more need dragging yourself out of bed, pulling yourself together for the rest of the world, just to do pointless duties of living.
But believe me, it isn't easy, and the last moments of your life, struggling with the metal tools that would write off the last chapter of you, proves that. This life sucks. You knew that, but I wish you would have stayed. So sons wouldn't have to go without mothers, so best friends could still find stupid stuff to laugh over, and to cry and complain about in this terribly ugly world.
Cookouts, Easters, and graduations just feel empty now. I wouldn't even care if we were never close again, or ever were in the past. But a world without your crazy blue eyes is a world not worth sharing with anymore.
I'm sorry I never said anything when I knew it was hard for you. I'm sorry I sat at the front of the class, judging you for coming in late and then falling asleep during lecture. I'm sorry I never cared to remember you until it was convenient to me, because of course I need all the people I can get to come to MY party. There's no place to hide, no safe guards for how I feel, how much I regret.
But what I think about most is how we're all battling fear. We're soldiers in this endless fight, blood and mud covering the features that make us human, griping our muzzle loaded rifles to our chest, flames and screams in the distance, awaiting the next wave. No... what I really regret the most is how I should have loved harder, spent more time helping you up from your ditch because we're all in this war together and we need to combat the enemy as a team. No one deserves to be stranded, covered in wounds, facing the dark sky alone.
A Lost and Scared Friend