For the girl who broke my heart,
I remember our first date like it was yesterday, us sat opposite in a restaurant; you ate some kind of herb doused spaghetti while I munched on margarita pizza with garlic butter smoothed on top. You practically inhaled your food and had to wait for me, frantically slicing pizza and shoving it into my mouth. It was funny. We sent pictures to our friends through our group chat. We got replies and words of encouragement. Picture replies with jokes like: “she's too good for you" and “use protection”. My best friend was so happy, months of "shipping" us together and begging us to go out had finally cultivated this single date in February. Day before Valentines. And I fondly gazed at you and tried to act coy while knowing that I alone had set up the date: laughing, smiling, happy. Friends taking the unknown plunge into a pool coloured like the others eyes.
But I look at it now and tears fill my eyes. Our bitter fight played out in text. Unable to show that I wasn't angry with you and unable to know what you felt. I almost felt you press that button. "Blocked". Slapped midway through a question, cut into the rhetoric with a slicing scythe of refusal to handle the truth. "I really thought that I could love you" left hanging in the air; mist made from lonely tears. That blunt punch to my gut in person as I walked away with tears in my eyes. Breaking down into pained sobs as I waited for my bus.
You and my old friend complained about me and all my flaws in front of people you knew were torn by our separation. People torn between which side to take or whether to take one at all. I felt stuck. Trapped in amber like a fly from millennia ago. Ancient but never wise. It became my job to be mature. To be responsible. I crafted the appology. Words typed onto a keypad, letters forming begging. Paragraphs of hope that we could stop; hope that you and I could be friends again.
You said “ok".
Within a week, it was almost as if I'd imagined our entire relationship. Movie dates and snacky lunches. Breakfasts with friends where we sat so close I could feel your heart beating with mine. Murmurs about when our next date was, annoyance that I was always busy and that we lived too far away. Had I imagined it all? You joked and laughed and spoke as if nothing had ever occurred. But I knew it had. So I ignored you like a child, tried to be mature like an adult and hurt like I was dying alone and afraid.
And we are now stuck in a forever repeating loop of heartache and heartbreak. Unsure of whether the other even remembers or feels anything. Rageful. Petrified. We both are too blame but are happy to blame the other.
For the girl who broke my heart: I forgive you but I cannot ever trust you again. You tore my heart into two and betrayed the trust we had instilled into our bond. I almost loved you. And I'm lucky I caught myself before your abrupt slap in the face with blatent truth and that's you never loved me. And I was a fool for believing you did. And yet, I'd do it all again for those split seconds of joy that I spent in your arms.
With all my petty heart,
The girl you never loved, and the girl who loved you.
