Hey there. I don’t think you expected to hear from me, but I was thinking about you and couldn’t sleep. Even though I’m in my bed staring up at the ceiling, my mind is taking me back to the memories of us. They’re not great memories--we ended badly. You did something unspeakable, but here I am still wishing you’d call. I’ve been trying to heal since you left me, though it hasn’t been an easy journey. I can’t help but ask our friends what you’re up to, or wish your name would pop up on my phone. I sound crazy, but I’m not. You were my first love, and that is never going to change.

You see when we met, we were both so young. We were still in high school and figuring out who we were as people. I had a large group of friends and I let you into my world. You let me into yours, a world I felt special to be apart of. But there were clouds in our sunny skies, with signs that shouldn’t have been ignored. Now I’m left wondering how I let you hurt me so badly, but it’s already over and done. The problem with your actions is that they didn’t just determine our relationship status. When you decided that you were in love with somebody else, I didn’t just go from being in a relationship to being alone. No, it was much more than that. Your actions affect my every move, even to this day. It’s because of you that I am afraid to love, that I am afraid to be hurt again.

After things ended between us, I felt like I had no idea who I was anymore. I thought that since you didn’t want me anymore, nobody out there would want me either. In my mind, any boy out there would treat me the same way you did and find someone better than me. So I started hooking up with random people. I had this mindset that since I wouldn’t find someone to value and love me, I shouldn’t even try in the first place. I had so little respect for myself and I attracted people who continued to validate my feelings. Our breakup was rough, but this was rougher. You had moved on in the blink of an eye and I was left gasping for air in an ocean of pain and loneliness. I was begging for someone to wash away the hurt and soothe my open wounds, but there was no one. I was all alone.

I remember you called me a year down the road, after you and that girl had broken up. I shouldn’t even be surprised at the fact that you were in a new relationship, this time with my best friend. My life had become one large betrayal, but I still missed you. It’s hard to say good riddance to someone who meant so much. You were my first love--I would never stop caring. I lost that best friend after you two started dating. She was the one person in the world I felt like I could count on, but now I know that isn’t true. The one thing I’ve learned from you is that I can’t count on anybody but myself. No one will ever be there for me like I am.

So why do I still care? I guess it’s who I am. It’s how I cope with life’s turn of events. You don’t understand how every move I make is still dictated by you. I am still working to free myself from your chains, but it’s impossible when I live in constant fear. I fear that my future boyfriends will let me down, I fear that I will always be alone, I fear that I am not enough.

You were my first love, so our past is bittersweet. As much as you have hurt me, you made me so happy. Before you left, we made memories I will never forget. The conversations about our future together or the way we danced at a friend’s party. Those are the ones I hold close to my heart. I can still close my eyes and remember the way your hand felt in mine. You’re unforgettable. Life has moved on since you hurt me. I am changed and more mature. I don’t want to say I owe it all to you, but you deserve a gold medal for shaping me into the person I am today. It’s because of you that I discovered who my real friends are and what matters in my life.

So to my first love, have a good life. You were my first love, but you are not my last. You didn’t deserve the love I had to give, so that love is not for you.

Thank you for saving me.

Goodbye.