I felt like I was failing. And it wasn't fun. It’s time to stop living in fear. And it’s time to stop caring what others think. I am pushing it all away. It’s good to be aware of everything but don’t let it stop you.
I have pushed opportunities back. I have pushed certain goals and dreams away because I am scared I won’t make it. It won’t happen. Because there will always be a “No.” Thinking back to middle school and high school, I had people laugh in my face when I said I wanted to act. Or even I wanted to sing.
My birthday party in fifth grade, I had a slumber party. I remember we played American Idol. Everyone there I thought were my friends. But friends wouldn’t act like this. As the game went on, Three of my friends wanted to play the judges and the rest of us, like four of us were going to be the contestants. Everyone was a “yes” except for me. On my birthday. At my party. This may sound silly and dumb, but years later I’m here questioning it. I don’t talk to any of these people anymore, we may be friends on FB. I don’t know. (There’s honestly only the few people that I grew up with that I still talk to but we didn’t become friends to later on. ) We’ve all grown up, and everyone is doing well. But yet here I was trying to fit in with these kids who didn’t even want to be my friend. Who tore me down without even realizing it. This still haunts me as I continue to sing. Am I really good enough? Can I sing? Maybe I should’ve quit a long time ago. These are questions I ask myself a lot.
(Throwback to High School talent show)
High School, there was one student who loved to tear me down at singing. And she had a great voice. Already intimidating. Here I am just trying to work on my voice. I was told I had a voice by a few people and a teacher and it really lifted my spirits. But she was there to tear it down. I remember one day in choir, I was rehearsing a song and she came up to me and laughed at me and said “No.” And on stage for the talent shows, she would death stare me when I was on stage. It took me until college to really get over that and open myself up on stage. There were a few friends I relied on, and kept me going. (Thank you, you know who you are!)
Here I am, moved out on my own. Working at Walt Disney World, doing what I love. But yet I still felt lost. I thought about pursuing acting and singing more, but for a little while I have found myself back in this shell of “I’ll never make it.” “I don’t know why I try, I’m not good.” I even had a friend tell me I was wasting time and money. She just doesn't get it. I don’t like it. I don’t like who I became. My mom still thinks I’m the bravest person she’s met. Everyone who knew my grandfather, still talks of me as he always said I was his pride and joy. But honestly it felt like an illusion. Because I felt like a failure. I’ve been the one to say “Don’t let stuff tear you down.” “Follow your dreams, no matter what they say.” Some of my friends say I inspire them, but did I?I let my guard down, and let the past come back to haunt me and I have let others influence my decisions. Not in the good way. But that's over. I over came it. The friends I have now and the family I have are the best support I could ever ask for, and I am truly happy.
I will never let these silly things get to me again. I know now, I am never a failure. I may just be detouring and doubting but I am still me. And I am done. I am done worrying about if I can sing or not. I CAN. I am done with what others think of me. Unless it is helpful and positive criticism. Sure, it’s taking me awhile to get a lead in a musical or play. Or a solo in something. Sure, it’s taking me awhile to figure myself out clearly. But that doesn’t mean I can’t act or sing. Because the many shows I’ve been in as a supporting and ensemble cast member, the more experience I have. The more I work and work on my craft, the better I am. I remember the feeling of being on stage and on set, and the feeling at the premiere of my first film project. Joy. Pride. Happiness. And I will never give that up. And yeah, I may have doubts here and there, but gosh darn it I believe in myself. I am Confident. And you should too.
I will take risks. I am not scared. I am brave. I am strong. I am a singer. I am an actress. I am myself, and whatever my heart sets out for me to be. I'm back on my feet, so everyone watch out. I've got a new focus. And I am ready. You can either stand with me or stay out of my way.
Don’t be afraid to take risks, do it. Don’t be afraid of what people think, do it. You can’t live in fear and by others judgements. You have to live your life and follow your dreams. You are not a lone. You can do this. Just remember the best come to those who are patient. “No’s” will happen, but it’s ok. Don’t give up, soon there will be a “Yes.” But you have to keep believing and working! Work hard and fight for your dream. You are good enough, now go be more.