How I got here is not the question. The question is, why is this happening to me? If only I didn't trip, things might have been different. If only he didn't break my heart. If only I had been enough. I might have made it out with a chance of a happy life.

The cuts, they burn. Why would they hurt me like this? The voices get louder as they come closer over the hill. I was always there for them.

I can see a house. It does not matter who lives there. All that matters is I was steps away from help until I lost my footing and control.

The voices wrapped around me.

That's when everything fell apart for the last time.

...

October was the month that changed my life forever. I was forced to move to a new school. Things did not go well at my last one. Things changed after the breakup. I changed.

I tend to not handle things in an ordinary manner. A little thing to others is the end of the world for me. I left my last school, because of a break up with a boy. Silly, I know, but I just had to leave. Sometimes, I like the way I handle situations. My anxiety makes it easy for me to move on because I know it is my body's way of telling me that the past situation is too bad to hold onto.

This time was different though. My anxiety took a dark turn. I felt like I never really came back.

I couldn't sleep or eat for weeks. My parents were worried about my health, but I did not care. That was the scary part. I did not care what happened to me. Nothing mattered. I wanted to die.

I knew I could live without him, but this voice in my head said otherwise; they were so persuasive too. They'd say, "He is gone", "He didn't want you," "You don't matter," "Nothing matters." Over and over until I couldn't breathe.

I feel like someone took me out of my body and replaced me with a crazy person; a crazy person who is eating me from the inside out. That's when I told my mom and the doctor appointments started.

Walking into the doctor's office made me sick every time. The way the receptionist would smile and ask how I am doing. I always forced a smile and would say "I'm fine, or "I'm good". Saying these words felt like chewing rocks. Good? I wish. It is like these people forgot where they work.

The doctor is even worse; going from patient to patient. He puts a face on like he cares but I see right through it. Why would he care? He prescribes me medicine, I lie and promise I'll take it. Every appointment is the same. He sends me off and tells me to have a good day. I laugh to myself. Good day. As if he never read my file. As if he forgot my file says unstable. As if I matter.

I meant to take my medicine, I really did, but something inside of me told me not to. The lingering fear from the past panic assured me not to take it; that it would hurt me.

The best medicine was time. Although time helped with the anxiety and the breakup, there was one thing that it did not get rid of. The one thing that forever lingered in my head. The crazy person still lived within me. No matter what I did, I could not shake her.

I walked through life like a zombie. So calm on the outside, yet freaking out internally. This crazy person, she made me do awful things as if she hated me. But she was me, wasn't she?

Having to go to a new school did not make things better. I had no friends, so I was alone with myself. It's an awful feeling, feeling like you mean nothing. Being alone with myself was a scary place to be. A place you could not escape from, no matter how fast you run and believe me, I tried.

One day, my last day as that person, was unusually awful. I woke up with my mind racing. Voices telling me there is no point and that I don't matter; that my life ends today. They were wrong, weren't they?

I got up just like the doctors told me to do. They always told me to try and get up out of bed and start my day; that will help with the anxiety. So I did. The day went on and the deadly thoughts doubled. I had to get out of the house. I felt trapped.

I left without saying anything to anyone. I'd be back soon or so I thought. I started walking over the grassy hills behind my house, towards nowhere specific.

That walk turned into a jog. The jog turned into a run. Before I knew it, I was in a dead sprint, with my hands gripping my head. "This was the way", I thought to myself. "This was the way to get rid of them; the voices". But the faster I ran the louder they got; louder and louder.

They got so loud I began screaming at them to go away. I gripped my head so tight, my nails digging into my skull. Tugging at my hair; that's when I lost my footing.

Blood trickling down my forehead. I looked up from the grass and saw a house. I knew if I got to the house someone could help me; stop the bleeding. Maybe a new place would make the voices go away for a little while.

If only I could get there before the voices get louder and the blood from my head pours out faster.

The crazy person inside me continued to yell horrible things and for the first time, I yelled back. I yelled so loud, that all the voices in my head stopped. I could feel them staring at me in shock. For once in a long time,

I heard silence. I could hear myself, my real self-think clearly. I'll never forget what I yelled that finally put the voices to rest. "I matter too."