I have never met a Christian that hasn't gone through a season of life in which they've felt far from God. If you are a Christian and you've never felt far from God, get prepared. Your time is coming. I don't say that to be negative, I say that because God says we will all face trials and temptations. That's part of living for the Lord.
For me, I've felt extremely far from God for the past year. It started when I decided to become a missionary. I was all set to move to Ecuador for two and a half years, then my faith started to lack. I felt all this pressure to be "the best Christian ever" whatever that is... and ironically enough, that led to me never reading my Bible, never praying, and skipping out on church. I quickly became someone I wasn't. I was trying to "fake it until I made it."
I was that Christian that smiled and said I was "so blessed" and "God is good" when on the inside I was dying. Anyone can smile, walk into a church with their Bible and "praise" God. Let me tell you, that's a bad idea. I've learned the hard way. Throughout the past year I have let a small stumble become a huge hole. A hole that I'm not quite sure how to get out of. A hole that has left me questioning, "do I really believe this stuff?" "should I leave the church?" "am I sure I want to attend a Christian college?" and the list goes on.
Maybe to your surprise, I'm here to tell you that I think that is completely okay. It's okay to question. If I ever learned anything in youth group, it was to question the church, the pastor, the people teaching you. However, it is not okay to question the Bible. Did you notice those questions? All of those questions fell back on how I felt and what I believe, not on what the Bible says. The Bible is true no matter what. Truth is truth, no matter what you think.
Today I went to orientation, and it did not go at all how I planned. I ended up in another city an hour away. I thought I had a roommate, but God called her elsewhere. I fought with my dad nearly the entire car ride to and from campus. All of these things happened according to God's plan... I trust that. I believe that. Why? All of it led to my breaking point. I started crying on the way home today. Then it reality hit me, this is my low. This is my rock bottom.
For the past year I have been trusting in the things of this world, in circumstances, people, places... I've been trusting in anything and everything... except for Jesus. My faith has been in things of this earth instead of things of heaven.
So, here I am. Feeling further from God than ever before in my life. But, today, God renewed a spirit in my soul. A spirit I thought I had lost. There is a lot of rebuilding to be done between me and the Lord, but it will happen. And for today? I'm just going to trust in His ability to take the many broken pieces of me and rebuild them into something far stronger and far more beautiful that who I was before.
