I’ve realized over the years that I have a fear of one particular population; I am afraid of 8^th graders.

The thing about 8^th graders is that they’re the perfect combination of overconfident and obnoxious. Being the kings and queens of middle school gives them a big enough head that they feel they can do whatever they want. And they certainly think they’re extremely cool, now that they’re at the top of the middle school food chain. But because they’re still in the throws of puberty, they’re also immature: very, very immature. This deadly mix of traits makes them think they can get away with more than they actually can, and their newly-formed, superhumanly-huge egos make them present themselves as on top of the world.

And yet these overconfident 8^th graders still look too young to have the egos that they now possess. It makes them feel like an oxymoron, an anomaly, and it doesn’t sit well in my sights when I see a group of them hanging around my town.

And that’s the other thing: they always seem to be in groups. They travel in packs (when they hunt at noon), making them more fear-worthy than if I were to encounter a lone 8^th grader. I certainly cannot deal with that much pubescence in one room. The stench alone might kill me.

It’s not that I blame 8^th graders for their deathly glares, their evil grouping habits, or their overconfidence in the midst of obnoxious laughter and jokes. It’s not their fault that they’re in this phase of life; I do not doubt that I was equally as annoying and fear-generating at the same point in my life. And yet… I cannot shake this fear.

It’s come to the point where any groups of individuals that look vaguely middle school aged and have really annoying and self-entitled mannerisms are now immediately labeled in my head as 8^th graders. I’m pretty sure any kids ages 11-16 are now “8^th graders” in my head, as long as they meet the following guidelines:

1. Short but not TOO short
2. Awkward but pretending not to be
3. Posing and walking in an overconfident manner
4. Snickering galore
5. Giving me judging looks because I’m wearing a Disney T-shirt as a 21 year old
6. Traveling with a fairly large group of similarly characterized individuals

And if you are reading this article and you’re an 8^th grader, here’s my advice to you: pretend to be a 9^th grader. They’re less intimidating and fear inducing, and they have enough homework to keep busy and far, far away from me.