I am talking about a true broken heart, a heart that is torn in half after losing someone so special- in my case my Mom.
The first time you will fall in love with someone you will without a doubt panic. Will I lose him too? Is he going to understand my pain? How can I open my heart to someone while I am grieving? When I started to fall in love I wondered is it okay I am feeling happy again?
One second I am thinking I am unable to be loved and to love again, I am unable to let anyone get close to my heart again... the next second you are surrounded by the surplus of feelings you've been putting up a wall to.
The first time you fall in love after heartbreak will be hard when your heart hasn't completely healed. It's hard to imagine that your Mom will never meet this person who has a special place in your life. And it's not only hard to imagine it for yourself but to watch others get to experience what you won't have. The past year I have witnessed my friends and family get engaged, get married and get the news they are expecting. While I am there to support my friends and family, to love and share in their excitement- it is also a rush of emotions I do not know how to address. Walking out during the mother-son dance, crying when you are there to witness people give the news to their Mom, listening to stories about their Mom helping to plan a wedding or be there at the first ultrasound- it makes the grief start back at the beginning.
The first time you fall in love after such a deep heartbreak will be scary. It will be scary as you fall harder and harder and they get closer and closer. You will be wary of commitment as the parts of you that you locked away for such a long time begin to emerge. It's the fear of a repetition. You try to create a distance- only to be pulled in deeper. You've been alone for so long- kept your grief to yourself, it's only natural to feel cautious of sharing your grief with someone new.
The first time you fall in love after a heartbreak will be frustrating. You will want to share your grief and loss with your new love but will not know how. You will be careful to as you will not know their reaction. You will be annoyed at the thought that they cannot fully comprehend it is what you are feeling.
However, the first time you fall in love after a heartbreak will be amazing. You will love like you never have before. You will let the wall crumble that you've put up and realize you are allowed to enjoy moments. You will come to understand that your person is there for you and that you can and deserve to be loved and to love. You will have moments where anxiety lurks back around. Where the feelings of anguish and fear emerge. But during these moments now you know you have someone by your side. After everything the heartbreak put you through, the tears you shed, the moments you thought would never end, comes the realization that life did not end when your heart was torn in pieces.
Your heart will forever be healing but you have managed to gear up for the next, new love that you are experiencing. When you face grief again whether that be through a dream, memory or secondhand experience you will do it with a new irreplaceable support.
