I fall out of love with my passion every day.
Every day, I feel the familiar stifling tightness in my chest when I think of my future. Every night I stay up into the late hours of the night re-evaluating the choices I made that got me here. I find myself stuck in a constant cycle of doubt and insecurity that overwhelms me and I can’t help the thoughts of regret and disappointment from seeping in and making themselves at home in my brain. It’s a never-ending game of tug of war and no matter how firmly I plan myself, I feel myself slipping.
It wasn’t always like this.
I used to feel a rush when I thought of the work ahead of me. I used to be rooted in unwavering confidence, never questioning the quality of my choice in career. I remember when everything was new, and bright, and exciting – when everything felt right. I remember when graduation felt like a promise and now it feels more like a deadline.
For a long time, as I struggled to hide the fact that my faith had dulled from my friends and family, I let myself dwell on the insecurity. I convinced myself that it was my fault, that I’d somehow chosen wrong, that maybe I didn’t know myself as well as I thought I did. It felt as though my heart and mind were at war and I struggled to find a compromise. I felt like a fraud in my classes, like I didn’t belong. Being doubtful felt downright sinful and it felt like a secret shame I had to keep to myself.
I didn’t want to risk other’s confidence in me just because mine was shaky.
Unfortunately, this isn’t a redemption story. I won’t go on to say that after a few stress-filled months I’ve overcome the feeling. I can’t say that I’m not insecure anymore, or that I won’t be in the future. I can’t pretend that my reality is anything other than what it is – riddled with insecurity, doubt, disappointment, fear and crushing rejection.
What I’ve learned, however, is that these hardships don’t mean I’m not doing the right thing by following my passion. The hurt and the fear doesn’t make it wrong, they make it hard. I let myself believe that the level of difficulty was directly correlated to whether or not I’d made the right choice. After all, how could it be meant to be if it feels just as wrong as it does right?
We’re often told that we need to be sure in the choices we make. We’re pressured to feel absolutely positive in our decisions before making them. We’re taught that doubt means we’re doing something wrong. When the truth is that doubt plays just a big a part in right decisions than it does it wrong ones.
We need the losses in order to see the victories. We need the stormy days to know we want the sun. We need to fight for what we want, for the future we imagined. We need to lose some fights in order to win the war.
I still fall out of love with my passion every morning, but every night I make the choice to fall back in love.
