Depression (n.), "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason."
Explaining how it feels to have a condition to anyone that does not nor has not ever had the same condition is extremely difficult, almost impossible.
Explaining the fact that every day you wake up every day filled with a heavy sadness to those closest to you, who are supposed to bring joy to your life, is even harder.
I think a lot of the time depression gets mistaken for a certain ungratefulness, a bad mindset if you will.
People tell you to suck it up, look at the bright side.
These excuses make it easier for some people to label depression as a hoax, a made up concept or something easily fixed.
Depression is not that simple.
Depression is not necessarily about circumstances.
I was gifted a wonderful life— a supportive, loving, caring family; a chance to get an education and to specialize in just about any career I felt was the best fit for me. I have an amazing set of friends and a lovely significant other.
It's not about any of that.
I am extremely thankful for what I have, but that does not mean I do not wake up with a feeling of dread every day.
I think I must have been born with this feeling, mindset, whatever, that sometimes makes me crave death more than life.
The feeling probably developed as I have lived my life and grown into who I am today as well.
However, even in my early stages of childhood, I remember that feeling of dread.
You may be reading this, thinking: "What bullshit— all you have to do is change your mindset."
Like, many who do not have depression may think, because, well, you do not have depression and I guess, because of that you will never fully understand.
But, I am still sitting here, typing this all out, trying to explain it to you and I think you should have an open mind.
Just because you've never had cancer, and you don't know how much it hurts, just because you do not know what it feels like to either wake up one day and be completely cured after treatment— or never reach recovery, does not mean that cancer and all of the emotional and physical pains that come with it are not real.
If you want to say that all I have to do is fix my mindset, tell me how?
It's like people think you don't try, you want to bask in all the bad, you want to bathe in your own self-loathing.
It feels like my depression has always been a part of my identity, and like it always will.
It's like, when I'm having a happy moment, I am enjoying it— but the sadness is always lingering.
All the bad thoughts come crashing down, you just want to escape yourself.
That's what it feels like.
Why would anyone want that?
I hope everyone reading this knows how hard that was for me to write, it's always hard for me to say, especially to those closest to me.
If you are reading this and you are one of those people, it does not mean I love you any less— I love you more than I could ever put into words.
I want to apologize but I feel like I shouldn't because it is something I can only control to an extent, and I am trying my best to cope, handle it, and take care of myself.
I hope this sways some people to take mental illness seriously— that even if you do not have it, that you listen and try your best to understand it, be sensitive to their situation and encourage them to take care of themselves.
Remember that if you love someone who has a mental illness, do all of the above, encourage them to seek help and take care of themselves— but that ultimately, you can not save someone, and perhaps that is the scariest thing about the whole situation.
