Saint Patrick's Day is almost here, and that means the Irish in me is chomping at the bit to chug pitchers and run around in a green boa. I even added some burgundy color to my hairs as of late. I take my express very seriously.
For those outside of the city of brotherly love, Erin Express is two Saturdays a year (March 5 and March 12, this year) in which you wake up at 7 a.m., dress up in obnoxious St. Paddy's Day apparel, and remain heavily intoxicated until the last leprechaun is standing (two years ago, I was asleep with bagel bites by 3 p.m.).
1. Eat breakfast.
I know, I know, there's a sandwich in every beer. But you're going to be drinking all day, so you need some sustenance. Whether that's an Eggo waffle or a mimosa -- I don't judge.
2. Take pictures early.
Coming from someone who's eyes are closed in every picture -- take them early. Also, take some without a cup in your hands, unless you're comfortable answering what's in it. I also recommend taking them consistently throughout the day in case you need to piece together your whereabouts over Sunday brunch.
3. Save time, buy a pitcher.
Due to the nature of Erin Express, beer is a good choice as you can drink slowly and get happily drunk. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Buy a pitcher- or two drinks, unless you want to spend your entire express in line for a drink. Which, you don't, because you're probably going to get shoved.
4. Don't wear a skirt.
When we drink, our inhibitions lessen. It's also very easy to not notice you're flashing everyone around you. Also, skirts ride up when you're walking, which you do sometimes during a bar crawl.
5. Don't be naked.
It's been an unusually warm spring, but no one wants to see you naked unless you're covered in green paint. Alcohol warms you, but it can only do so much. There's nothing worse than being cold when everyone else is warm inside and out.
6. Don't dance aggressively.
I have a tendency to dance like the air in front of me is a punching bag. Unfortunately, this meant that I punched my best friend in the face in a bar one year. She iced her bloody lip with ice from beer while I laughed off my violent behavior.
7. Don't take important things.
Being Irish comes at a price. Instead of a potato famine, you may drunkenly lose your phone. I recommend just staying with your friends and not freaking out. Don't ruin the day just because of your drunken irresponsibility to keep your phone in a safe place. Yeah, I'm on my seventh iPhone. Your point?
Don't take your grandmother's wedding ring. You're unlikely to wake up in the same state you started in- this means different things for different people. For me, it means I don't bring out my zippo lighter. I don't actually have a zippo lighter, but if I did, I wouldn't want to lose it during Erin Express, which I definitely would.
8. Erin Express yourself.
How many days in the year are you allowed to be drunk by 9 a.m. and no one can say anything? Erin Express is a gift. As if potatoes and whiskey weren't enough, the Irish have granted us days to frolic in the sunshine and drink our depressing winter away. The luck of the Irish isn't so bad after all.
