I Don't Drink So I Must Have A Drinking Problem

I Don't Drink So I Must Have A Drinking Problem

Drinking is a watered-down experience.

Drinking is such a habitual and national pastime, it should be its own sport. Wait, that's right, it's called beer pong. Any sport that doesn't expect you to keep score and lets you win anyway must sound like fun.

Then again, that cocktail napkin Jenny smudged her phone number on doesn't make a lick of sense. Maybe it doesn't make sense because it's not suppose to make sense. Sense lost is sense earned when your plastered. You experience every emotion and the ultimate euphoria, or so I'm told.

Drinking to get drunk is pointless and those who find a point in it are not dealing with real problems. Problems don't go away after you wake up, so the number of excuses to get drunk grow less and less with each drink. Have you ever had a "good-tasting" beer? Beer is naturally bitter and that's not just irony, it's reality.

I've never been drunk and the most beer I had was a few sips of an Anchor Beer. After the third sip when I couldn't feel my lips or stand the taste anymore, I decided I wasn't going to voluntarily paralyze my motor skills or drink until I started to enjoy the taste. Those who have or claim to have been drunk are always keen on getting drunk again, like it was a dream they didn't want to wake up from.

A roommate who drinks once asked me why I don't drink. I get drunk on the irony of this question as I think of the reasons he finds for drinking are the same reasons I find for not drinking. I wanted to ask if he was sure he wanted to be sober right now but I tell him it's not for me. Wrong answer.

He rephrases the question to a single why. I tell him I don't like the sensation of having no sensation in my face. But why? It's clear to me he doesn't like being sober or sober people except when it's convenient for him. I don't overthink him or this conversation; I know all he's thinking about is drinking about.

Somehow I ruin the fun he can have that I can have without a bottle of Dos Equis in my hand. All of a sudden, Saint Patrick must have been made of 70% Guinness and the Mexicans shouldn't have all the fun on Cinco de Mayo.

Drinking shouldn't be an excuse but if it's not the taste or the double vision, what reason is there to swallow that liquid courage? Besides the loss of inhibitions and stress, I can't bring myself to drink something that can lead to the things I wanted to avoid in the first place.

I'm not saying alcohol is poison (even though it is after a certain amount) and I'm not saying it's an Arthurian elixir either. Through my sober goggles, I see a drinking culture that makes drinking a watered-down experience.

When I see almost everyone drinking, I don't feel left out or like the outsider. I don't need a prop in my hand to entertain myself or the person next to me; no drink will make me a better conversationalist anyway. If I'm thirsty, I'll humor you with a glass of Canada Dry and tell you it's champagne.

I've witnessed enough drunken mishaps and heard stories that I don't wish to see or have to hear again. The idea of "please drink responsibly" quickly became "don't drink at all" not just out of fear, but safety.

My liver is my liver and my brain is my brain. I can't be the designated driver for your vital organs. I don't have a drinking problem or a problem with drinking, what drinks can do to you is what I take issue with.

Drinking is a lifestyle choice that's either half full or half empty. Even The Most Interesting Man in the World has to mull this one over. In the meantime, I think I'll have a drink. Make mine a mocktail.

Cover Image Credit: Seth Weisfeld

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How To Play 'New Girl's' True American Drinking Game

"It's 75% drinking, 20% Candy Land, and the floor is molten lava."

I think it's fair to say that anyone who watches "New Girl" knows about True American. This crazy, nonsense drinking game which pops up every so often throughout the seasons and first introduced in season one, episode 20.

The game, as described by "New Girl" character and fan-favorite Schmidt, is 75% drinking game and 20% Candy Land with a floor of molten lava.

The point of the game is for players to navigate through the Candy Land-like spaces to the "castle," which is a table in the center of the room that holds beer "pawns" and the "king" bottle. The first person to reach and sip from the bottle wins.

SEE ALSO: 15 Things "New Girl" Fans Know to Be True

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Here's how to play:

Step #1: Prepare the "castle"

First, set up your "castle." The castle is made up of beer "pawns" and the "king," a bottle filled with the alcohol of your choice.

The bottle should be in the middle of the table, surrounded by four lines of beer pawns. There is no exact number of beers necessary for each line of beer pawns. Choose any amount of beers that seems appropriate for the amount of players.

Step #2: Set up spaces

Set up spaces using pillows, chairs or any other objects players will be able to stand on. Place an equal amount of spaces around the table. You'll want about 5-8 spaces on each side, depending on the size of the room you're playing in.

Only four of these spaces should reach the castle, lining up with the parade of beer "pawns" and allowing players to take a beer pawn from the castle. For example, in the photo above, each of the chairs touch a corner of the table at the end of the line of beer pawns. Therefore, these are two of the four special spaces that allow players to take a beer. Unlike the pillows pictured, which are just regular spaces that the players can use to move around.

Step #3: Pick teams

Teams are optional. To pick teams, all of the players will place a certain number (1 to 5) of fingers against their forehead on the count of three.

Any players who hold up the same number are a team. Unmatched players can team up as needed or simply pair up with the person standing closest to them.

Step #4: Begin

Begin with a shotgun "tip-off" to determine which player goes first.

The winner of this shotgunning contest will yell, "One, two, three...JFK!" to announce the official beginning of the game. All players will enthusiastically respond, "FDR!" then quickly grab a beer pawn from the castle and run to any space they wish to start at, excluding for the four special spaces that reach the castle.

Step #5: Make moves

The winner of the shotgunning contest has earned the first turn. From then on, the order of turns will move in a clockwise rotation. During each turn, the player will move one space toward the castle and choose to play one of the following mini-games.

Mini-game No. 1: The player whose turn it is will count to three then all players will place a certain number (1-5) of fingers on their forehead. Any player who selects a number no one else selected can move ONE space.

Mini-game No. 2: The player whose turn it is will recite the beginning of a famous American quote. The first player to complete the quote can move TWO spaces.

Mini-game No. 3: The player whose turn it is will name two famous American people, places, or things. The first player to identify what the two have in common can move THREE spaces.

For example, say it's your turn. You will move one space then choose one of the three mini-games. You and all of the players will participate in that game, and the winner will move accordingly. After this, your turn is over and it's the next player's turn (in the original clockwise rotation).

Step #6: "Play on, playa."

Continue playing by these rules until one lucky winner reaches the bottle and sips from its royal glass.

The bottle cannot be opened until every last pawn is removed from the castle. Any players who fail to keep at least one beer in hand, who accidentally end up with more than three beers in hand, or who touch the lava are immediately disqualified. Disqualified players can rejoin the game by shotgunning a beer.


You are now able to impress all of your "New Girl"-loving friends with knowledge of the workings of the epic True American drinking game. Know your limits, drink responsibly, and enjoy!

Cover Image Credit: i.amz.mshcdn.com

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Excellent Advice From Unexpected Places

Who thought aliens from a silly space app could give good advice. Welcome to Walkr.


GI recently got a pedometer app (a step tracker) called Walkr: Fitness Space Adventure. Along with tracking your steps, it unlocks planets that have little alien inhabitants. These creatures send you messages occasionally, some silly, some helpful, and everything in between. I thought I would share with you my favorites thus far. Here are my top 15 inspirational messages from aliens:

1. When you are doubting yourself...

Maddy McKeever

Zombies love you for who you are, no matter what.

2. Take care of those you love...

Maddy McKeever

No one deserves to be sad. Especially the moon who is the light of your night.

3. I love eating...

Maddy McKeever

Envy is a deadly sin, but ice cream is not. Snowmen know sometimes you need a snack.

4. There are no shortcuts in life...

Maddy McKeever

Shortcuts in life leave you shorthanded and unprepared. Be the diamond in the rough, or the pearl.

5. Eat your vegetables...

Maddy McKeever

Take care of your body and it will take care of you. And avoid space pirates.

6. Take time to take care of yourself...

Maddy McKeever

Little things for self care can make a big difference. Musical Andrew reminds you to eat and drink lots of water.

7. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes...

Maddy McKeever

Walking help you clear your head, and gives you a reason to get out of the house if you don't have a dog that wants to go to the park.

8. Where words fail, music speaks...

Maddy McKeever

Bon Jovi probably liked space. Express yourself with music, or tune out the world to take care of yourself.

9. Don't trust strangers...

Maddy McKeever

Don't take food from strangers unless it's Halloween. And don't follow them into the woods, even if they are trees.

10. School is a necessary evil...

Maddy McKeever

School may seem like torture now, but you'll be grateful you did it when you are older, even if you want to set your work on fire right now.

11. Never stop believing...

Maddy McKeever

Keep hope and imagination in your heart and you will feel young forever.

12. Sometimes it's about the journey, not the destination...

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It's not always about progress, but about the process, even if the idea of success tastes sweet.

13. Success is relative to each of us...

Maddy McKeever

Your idea of being courageous may not be the same as someone else's, but that doesn't make their any less valid a success.

14. Don't let others hold you back...

Maddy McKeever

We all want to escape to a different continent, or even a different planet sometimes. Take a moment and breathe. You've got this.

15. Don't judge a book by it's cover...

Maddy McKeever

Some people that look odd on the outside may be diamonds in the rough. But don't forget also that some people who look harmless can secretly bite.

Some of this advice may seem silly, but rooted deep in it can be found inspirational advice. You may not see it now, but when you need to hear it, that advice becomes very clear. Who knew that a ball of ghost fire or a sugar cube could give such good advice? I hope at least one of these little aliens gave you some useful inspiration today.

For other enjoyable apps to stay healthy, including Walkr, see this article.

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