I Don't Drink So I Must Have A Drinking Problem

Drinking is such a habitual and national pastime, it should be its own sport. Wait, that's right, it's called beer pong. Any sport that doesn't expect you to keep score and lets you win anyway must sound like fun.

Then again, that cocktail napkin Jenny smudged her phone number on doesn't make a lick of sense. Maybe it doesn't make sense because it's not suppose to make sense. Sense lost is sense earned when your plastered. You experience every emotion and the ultimate euphoria, or so I'm told.

Drinking to get drunk is pointless and those who find a point in it are not dealing with real problems. Problems don't go away after you wake up, so the number of excuses to get drunk grow less and less with each drink. Have you ever had a "good-tasting" beer? Beer is naturally bitter and that's not just irony, it's reality.

I've never been drunk and the most beer I had was a few sips of an Anchor Beer. After the third sip when I couldn't feel my lips or stand the taste anymore, I decided I wasn't going to voluntarily paralyze my motor skills or drink until I started to enjoy the taste. Those who have or claim to have been drunk are always keen on getting drunk again, like it was a dream they didn't want to wake up from.

A roommate who drinks once asked me why I don't drink. I get drunk on the irony of this question as I think of the reasons he finds for drinking are the same reasons I find for not drinking. I wanted to ask if he was sure he wanted to be sober right now but I tell him it's not for me. Wrong answer.

He rephrases the question to a single why. I tell him I don't like the sensation of having no sensation in my face. But why? It's clear to me he doesn't like being sober or sober people except when it's convenient for him. I don't overthink him or this conversation; I know all he's thinking about is drinking about.

Somehow I ruin the fun he can have that I can have without a bottle of Dos Equis in my hand. All of a sudden, Saint Patrick must have been made of 70% Guinness and the Mexicans shouldn't have all the fun on Cinco de Mayo.

Drinking shouldn't be an excuse but if it's not the taste or the double vision, what reason is there to swallow that liquid courage? Besides the loss of inhibitions and stress, I can't bring myself to drink something that can lead to the things I wanted to avoid in the first place.

I'm not saying alcohol is poison (even though it is after a certain amount) and I'm not saying it's an Arthurian elixir either. Through my sober goggles, I see a drinking culture that makes drinking a watered-down experience.

When I see almost everyone drinking, I don't feel left out or like the outsider. I don't need a prop in my hand to entertain myself or the person next to me; no drink will make me a better conversationalist anyway. If I'm thirsty, I'll humor you with a glass of Canada Dry and tell you it's champagne.

I've witnessed enough drunken mishaps and heard stories that I don't wish to see or have to hear again. The idea of "please drink responsibly" quickly became "don't drink at all" not just out of fear, but safety.

My liver is my liver and my brain is my brain. I can't be the designated driver for your vital organs. I don't have a drinking problem or a problem with drinking, what drinks can do to you is what I take issue with.

Drinking is a lifestyle choice that's either half full or half empty. Even The Most Interesting Man in the World has to mull this one over. In the meantime, I think I'll have a drink. Make mine a mocktail.

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