I have an eating disorder. I love to eat, but I don't do it often. I go three to four days at a time putting nothing in my body but water and the occasional coffee. I chew gum constantly so my blood sugar doesn't drop too low and I can still function. For these three days, my body eats itself because I refuse to eat for it.
Then I eat again. I wake up, make myself breakfast, pack my lunch for the day and go on my way. I snack throughout the day until I come home and make myself dinner. I go to bed feeling full and happy because I finally ate.
Then we're back to three days of starving myself. This pattern is continuous. It has gone on for so much of my life that it seems normal. I am so used to starving myself that it almost feels like what I'm supposed to do.
I don't starve myself intentionally. I don't do it because I hate my body. Because I want to be skinnier. I love my body and have been lucky enough my entire life to eat pretty much whatever I want and gain no weight.
I don't eat because my anxiety is eating me alive. It turns the foods I love so much into the most disgusting things I could think of. The thought of food makes me nauseous. The smell of it is enough to make me actually throw up. Forget even trying to actually eat anything, this is an impossible task.
I only wish this wasn't something I struggled with.
I have always been a skinny kid, and people have always commented on my weight, or lack thereof, not realizing they are only feeding into the problem. I know I'm skinny, but I wish I wasn't. I wish I could eat normally and gain weight, but it isn't that easy for me. I wish I could get my anxiety to leave me alone, but I can't.
When people draw attention to my body, it only makes me more anxious. This anxiety makes me stop eating. I then lose weight. Then people comment on how skinny I look. Then I get more anxious. This cycle goes on and on.
I don't need people to comment on my weight. I don't need people to call me skinny. I don't need people to remind me of the struggles I already know I am having.
What I do need is for people to be there for me. I need people to support me, love me, care about me. Because when I feel loved, my anxiety becomes more manageable. I am able to start controlling my feelings and dealing with them appropriately. I am able to tell my anxiety to leave me alone so I can finally eat that slice of pizza I've wanted for days.
So please, don't tell me I'm skinny, even if you mean it in a good way because I already know that. I don't need a reminder that my body looks a certain way because I see that every day. All I need is people to support me and love me so I can love to eat again.