I've tried my best to keep the posts mellow and about nothing other than me and Aaron. But i also want to be truthful and not hold back. There are a few people in Aaron's life that resent everything about me and everything my family has done for Aaron. No one, not even the ones who are mad, can seem to come up with a reason as to why. With that being said, it was time to put some distance between us and the people, places, and things that radiated toxic fumes.

We needed out of Waterloo. Terribly. I wanted to move back to Freeburg to be closer to my mom and family. After all, that's my gurl. I started looking around, and just so happened to drive by a cute little house with a 'FOR RENT' sign outside. I called the number on the sign & set up a viewing for the next day along with a couple other places. When we met up with the elderly couple at the house the next day, we fell inlove. With the house, with the landlords, the yard, the garage, the whole 9. So after not even a month at Brittany & Hayden's, we packed up our shit AGAIN and moved to our new house in the 'Burg.... Whoopsie.

Shortly (I'm talking days) after we moved in, i panicked. This was all happening too fast. We weren't ready. We didn't need a 3 bedroom house. It was too much for us. Too expensive. Fuck. What did we just do? We signed a contract! A legally binding contract! What we're we thinking!? I know what we were thinking. Or at least what I was thinking. I saw brand new appliances, and a fenced in back yard, his and hers closets, and a garage attached to the house. That's what I saw. Aaron saw the look on my face & that was enough for him to sign the paper. How were we going to get out of this?

After several major arguments, we agreed we weren't ready for all that, & i worked up the courage to call the landlords. They were extremely empathetic and kind. Thankfully, they let us out of our lease after a whopping 6 days & we moved into a TINY, nasty studio apartment across town from my mom. As gross and ratchet as it was, that became our home. The place where we held each other through times of darkness, and laughed in times of pure light. The place we met up everyday after a long work day, where we popped each other's blackheads, where we brought our fur babies home to. It was next to nothing, but it was ours. I swear I tried SO hard to keep that mf clean and smelling good but to no avail. It just naturally stunk. Between the stoners, the preachers, the gamer, & the crazy cat lady, we were fucked. We could also hear everything our neighbors did & said through our bathroom wall. As if the wall wasn't even there. So that was great. But what are a couple of broke kids to do?

After working for SHIT pay for a few months, September & October came to a close and the weather began to change. It was a very early winter. Aaron's work start to slow down and his drinking started to pick up. Through the winter months, I was the main source of income, except on random days/ weeks that it was nice enough for Aaron to work. And also when family members would help us out, there were a lot of times we needed that.

When Thanksgiving rolled around, my crazy Texas family came in for the holiday. Thanksgiving is always hit or miss in my house. This year (2018) marks 7 years without my dad. Some years I can't get out of bed, and some years we laugh until we cry. 2017 was up in the air. With Aaron being around, it was hard to be sad & with my family coming to visit, it was sure to be something. I wasn't sure what, but it would be some kind of something. And i was not wrong. Laughs, tears, pretty feet competitions, air hockey tournaments, card tournaments.. what a day we had!

My aunt Stacey, whom I have always been close with, talked to me telling me how adorable Aaron is and how he worships me. I chuckled and played dumb like I had no idea, when in reality I totally did. I worshiped him too, but surrounded by my family who looks for reasons to roast one another, was not the place to show that. Damn... maybe this dude really is THE ONE... Maybe I'm not the only one who notices how much we love each other.

Christmas came and we decided that with our financial situation it was best we didn't get each other anything. So we got our mom's & stepdad's gifts and called it good. It was the least we could do for them, with them helping us out all the time. Our first Christmas was one for the books. It was perfect in every way. Aaron got me a puppy who has literally turned into my child. After not much deliberation we decided to name him Boss, after my man Bruce Springsteen. It was only fitting seeing as though our favorite thing to do was drive around and sing along to Bruce. We we're surrounded by both of our families and all was well. I got a little too drunk with his Aunt Barb (which has become my new favorite thing, and more times than not is the only reason I still go to family functions on his side.) I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas. But it wasn't until a few days after at a wedding that Aaron's jealousy and drinking came to a head.

Rumors had be flying around that i "cheated" on Aaron with a kid that I texted for a week, 2 years prior to even meeting Aaron. I thought this kid was my friend and had talked to him about when he was coming home, making light, innocent conversation. That of course turned into the rumors of we were sleeping together or "planning" to sleep together. Jesus Christ. Yes people, that's the kind of shit I deal with.

So when the accused BOY was at the wedding, I knew shit would go south if we stayed too long. I spent HOURS shopping for an outfit for Aaron to ensure that he was the best dressed at this wedding. (He was of course.) We partied and drank, and celebrated our friends marriage but then he hit the wall. The black out wall. I knew it was coming. I told him it was time to go and that I was leaving. Being as drunk as he was, he was going to stay just to spite me. So I grabbed my stuff and went to leave. I walked passed Ethan and told him I was leaving and that if he didn't want a fight to happen, he needed to get Aaron in my car ASAP. He told me that everything would be fine and I could go. (Have I mentioned that me & Ethan don't get along?) I laughed and said okay, then left trying not to cry.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT!?!! Before I even got out of town to head home, I'm getting calls and texts saying there was a fight & someone needs to come get Aaron. Oh well. Not my problem. I tried.

I still to this day don't know where he ended up that night, and truthfully I don't think he does either. As I go to work the next morning, my phone is blowing up about how this is all my fault and I shouldn't have left him and blah blah blah. I swear if you even mention the JFK assassination, the Holocaust or 9/11 to a few specific people, all those things will be my fault. Just like everything AARON does TO HIMSELF is in some twisted way, my fucking fault.

After that, we just went down a dark path. He didn't trust me. But he had no reason not to which infuriated me. He became extremely jealous and over protective which just pushed me away. I didn't want him out with me because all he ever did was get mad and start fights with me or others. We loved each other so much but life was just so hard and we couldn't figure out why. I learned that having a million different people's opinions, each with their own version of the truth, is a recipe for disaster. Especially when none of those people have any sort of fucking clue as to what they're talking about.

After the scene he caused at the wedding we "worked it out" which is code for we swept it under the rug and tried to move on. I threw him a surprise birthday party, which turned out awesome. I spent the whole day avoiding him so I could get shit done for the party & he was pissssssssed! Hahaha! He thought I didn't care and that I was going to break up with him & that I was avoiding him. So when he walked into a room full of all his family, even those that weren't invited and some of his closest friends, he was shocked. And a little embarrassed. Even after all that, he still didn't trust me to leave the house or function without him.

I loved this boy so much & would never do anything to sabotage what we had! Why couldn't he see that!? I threw him a surprise party just so he knew how loved he was! Our relationship became miserable. Unbearable. We hated being around each other. We couldn't get along to save our lives. Everything one of us did annoyed the other. But I still loved him. I didn't want to give up. I said I wouldn't give up. Not everyday was terrible. But the ratio was way off. More days were horrible than the days that weren't.

The more we argued, the more we both drank. I am a sad drunk, i weep and cry and have myself a pity party. Aaron goes into a blackout rage. He wants to hit, slam, throw things and lose his mind. (We are still to this day working on our anger.) When we are drinking, we are fire and gasoline at a certain point. When he starts to rage I shut down and that makes him even more mad, but I can't help it. The 3 times he has put his hands on me, he woke up the next day with no idea why I was on the couch or why I wouldn't talk to him. He never believed me when I told him what he did. So the 3rd and final time, I was that girl. I recorded the whole thing. When he woke up the next day, I played it for him & he sobbed. For a long, long time he sobbed, uncontrollably sobbed. He begged me to just let him hold me & i was so fed up with it at that point, I found it annoying. Was this the beginning of the end for me?

February rolled around and that's when I reached my breaking point. He knocked Valentine's Day out of the park. He got me a beautiful necklace with my dad & brother's birth stone, beautiful roses, balloons, & chocolate covered strawberries. Cliche, but more than perfect for someone who had never been spoiled. But it still wasn't enough for me. Not that he could've gotten me more, i was just too far gone. I was exhausted in every way from everything that had happened the month before. We needed time. I needed time. And space. And a fucking break from life. I asked Aaron if he could find somewhere else to stay until we figure out what we were going to do because it just wasn't working for us. He agreed, packed up some of his clothes and left with a friend, I stayed at the apartment with Boss. Talk about mixed emotions.

We talked everyday still. Mostly our normal conversations, and then as the night would go on he got more & more fucked up, & the messages would be about how much he loved me, & missed me & how sorry he was. He begged me to come home. I had never been so torn in my life. I was so stupid inlove with this kid. Of course I wanted him to come home. But I could NOT let someone treat me that way. He needed help. Help that I couldn't give him. I couldn't be what determines whether he has a good day or whether he wants to kill himself. He needed to find peace within himself, and honestly so did I.

In early March I figured it would be best if he just let go & moved out of our apartment completely. Our landlord was a good friend of my family and was cool about it. I planned on staying there with Boss until the lease was up. He was upset but he was tired of arguing. I'll tell you what, had I never gone into that apartment while he had all his shit packed up and in boxes... we would not be together today. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart dropped out my ass and I just stared in disbelief. What the fuck. I was so dead set on us being done until I saw our first home packed up and empty. Heart ripped right out of my chest. "This isn't what I want. No. This can't be happening." I started to cry and I have never seen Aaron James Brigance so confused in my entire life. He stared at me in shock for awhile before asking what was wrong. "I just fucking love you. I hate this. I don't want this. Please don't leave." I wish I could describe his face. Pure confusion. He told me his brother was already on his way, but we could go do something the next day. 'Okay, bet.' And that was the moment that changed our relationship forever.

If you love someone, you love all of them. You love them through the best and the worst of times. We were going through our worst. I was in a dark place & so was he. But if he was going through his worst then I wanted to go through it with him. There was no way I was going to walk away when he needed me most.