“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” – Kahlil Gibran
Ever since I was little, I was told that the distinguishing characteristic between man and animal is that man has the power to think. I honestly think that humans tend to take this powerful characteristic for granted. I will admit it: sometimes I really forget to think. Do you ever look back on days and realize that you sadly have just been going through the motions? I am prone to it all the time. Sometimes, I feel like I am not even a person – kind of like I am a shell. I have always been a girl who liked routine. I mean I wish I had the care free attitude of most teenagers, but unfortunately I was raised in a household where routine, structure and standards were of the utmost importance. Now that is not to disregard the fact that I do act upon impulsivity and spontaneity. It is in those acts that I feel free; however, it is in these acts that I start to doubt myself. I wish I was not so structured. I wish I was not so “Type A.” I wish I did not have anxiety. The worst thing I think a person can tell me, and believe me, I get it A LOT is “Loosen up. Why are you devoid of fun.” Despite this having an utmost impact on what little self-esteem I already have, I also start to question my ultimate self-worth. Do people really think I want to be this “uptight?” I really try and try. And for those of you who know me, I really hope you know that I try and that each day I continuously try to break out of my shell and step out of my comfort zone. But my mind is always craving the future. I mean I need to know what the future holds. But this the problem: we cannot control the future. The future is untold. We are the only creators of our future. It is the insecurity of the future that I cannot control and it kills me.
I have to stop being such a control-freak. Seriously, I wish I can just turn this off, but I physically cannot. So instead, I have developed coping mechanisms in order to soothe my mind. I write. I run. I exercise. I practice yoga. I lift people up. I try to give each person I encounter a compliment. I call my parents. (Even though the last statement sometimes feeds my anxiety). Whatever it may be, I ask you to think of what will soothe your mind. Meditation, perhaps?
Why do I fear the future? I seriously do not know why. I mean sometimes I really dread the future. I guess it is because I want to know what the future has in store for me. But the thought that God has a plan for all of us makes me utterly elated. I do not know my purpose yet, and I have to accept that this is truly okay because each and everyday is another step in figuring out what God’s plan is for me. Do you fear the future?
