I wrote part one of this series of articles describing my initial feeling after a breakup. This was written a couple days after. This part focuses on the anxiety I felt after realizing I couldn't have or even talk to the person I loved.
Part Two:
The Anxiety
So today I woke up with the feeling of anxiety.
I fell asleep and slept really well and right when I woke up I was still filled with a hole in my heart, a tinier whole than yesterday but still a hole
I know I should be excited for the day, but I fear I will focus on him and wallow in my thoughts than take initiative over my own life
I keep looking back at the memories, the few we had, and it still feels fresh and new
In retrospect we didn’t spend that much time together, so why am I letting him get the best of me now
I’m scared because I feel alone here, and I know that loneliness is only maximized by the empty hole existing in my body
I know each day will get better and this fear of my mind filling with constant thoughts of reminiscence will dwindle away
I mean he for sure isn’t thinking about me
And that is what hurts knowing he doesn’t care
And it’s good I can’t see his snaps anymore
I don’t want to believe it’s good, but I know who he is
His life is predictable, and I already know what he’s doing
I will get used to not seeing him pop up on my socials
I will get used to not seeing texts or snaps from him
And I know I keep telling myself this and it’s still hard to believe but he doesn’t care and will continue not to care and I need not to care
Maybe I just want to see if he’s moved on, but that’s not good for me
Who cares if he has because it's not gonna last just like it didn't last with me
I just want to know if he deleted my number
I mean it was me who unfriended him most places
Maybe he just blocked me, but it doesn’t matter what he did
Maybe one day he’ll try to contact me again
He has the means to do that if he really wanted
But I’m not gonna wait on that
Yes, it’s hard being in the place I missed him so much
I’m not gonna wallow in self pity until the next guy comes along
I was good before all this and even though he made me happy, he only held me down
I can and will get back to being the person I was
This pain is only temporary, and the worst of it will past
The initial crying might seem like it’s the worst, but this part is really the hardest
This is where he will not win
I had a life without him only a few short months ago, and I can continue that like nothing ever happened but I’m stronger
I got used to him constantly being in my life even if that was through the phone most of the time
He’s gone and all that is too and it was his choice
I don’t need all that in my life
My life is good and great and even though I wish him the best, his life right now is a mess
And all his issues I don’t need weighing me down
I will not let them weigh me down
Whenever I try to remember all the good times
Remember all the pain he gave me at the end acting like it was nothing
Use that pain and turn it into motivation to be better than he will ever be
I can’t expect to be perfect, and it will still take time to fully heal
But...
I can get up and make the day mine
I can get up and make the day special
And most of all I will get up brush any negative thoughts from my mind and put one foot in front of the other leaving it all in the past
