The recent college admissions scandal, which implicated everyone from run-of-the-mill rich people to B-list celebrity-rich people, left the world of higher education reeling. Previously, I, like so many others, was living in a naive fantasy-land in which the SAT was equitable, charities helped those in need, and your chances of getting into college was independent of the number of zeroes in your bank account. How shocked I was to find out I was wrong! Did you know that money is important? Thanks to the news that broke this past March, I do now! I decided I had to take advantage of investigate the situation. Below is a transcript of my recent phone conversation with an admissions officer at Yale University Law School.

Nice phone lady: Hi, this is Yale University Law School Admissions Office! How can I help you?

Me: Hi! My name is Annie Smalls, and I'm interested in applying to Yale Law this coming admissions cycle.

NPL: Oh, that's great to hear! What can I help you with?

Me: So I was thinking of scheduling a tour of campus next month, but I thought that I should let you know that I'm real good at soccer.

NPL: Congratulations…?

Me: You get it… I said "I'm real good at soccer!" [winks].

NPL: Okay?

Me: Know what I mean, jellybean? [winks several more times]

NPL: Ma'am, if you're winking at me or something, please know that I can't see you over the phone.

Me: Hm, perhaps I should be more explicit. Do you have a Yale Law soccer coach I could talk to? Maybe someone who's been a little down-and-out lately? Someone who believes in a little tit-for-tat, someone who's been eyeing that new Toyota Sienna and who also has an extra spot for a backup-backup goalie who won't be needed for the entire season?

NPL: Ma'am, law schools don't have sport teams.

Me: Ack! That throws a wrench in my nefarious plo-- I mean admissions plan.

NPL: Excuse me?

Me: Hm. Well do you have any desperate debate coaches? Any mangy mock trial managers? Any slimy pro-bono overseers with some leftover recruiting slots?

NPL: No, all of those organizations are student-run.

Me: Listen up lady, I have $100 burning a hole in my pocket and I want to make sure that my money goes to the right place. Now tell me, who do I need to talk to to make sure that my 129 on the LSAT gets overlooked?

NPL: Ma'am, that barely covers the application fee.

Me: Well, scratch that then. Where is this "side door" that has gotten so much good press lately? I swear, I have been staring at this campus map for hours and I just can't seem to find it!

NPL: Listen here, are you trying to be cute?

Me: I mean, I am wearing sparkly eyeshadow, but I didn't put that much effort into it--

NPL: Ma'am, did you even LISTEN to the menu options? It's press 'one' for admissions, and 'seven' for the side door! Not my department, not my problem.

Me: Oh dear, I'm so sorry! I had no intentions of wasting your time. Any chance you can transfer me?

NPL: Yeah, yeah. That's half my job nowadays.

Me: Thanks so much!

NPL: Whatever.