Dial "S" for "Side Door"
Start writing a post
Health Wellness

Dial "S" for "Side Door"

Other than a new use for photoshop, what can we take away from the college admissions scandal?

Dial "S" for "Side Door"

The recent college admissions scandal, which implicated everyone from run-of-the-mill rich people to B-list celebrity-rich people, left the world of higher education reeling. Previously, I, like so many others, was living in a naive fantasy-land in which the SAT was equitable, charities helped those in need, and your chances of getting into college was independent of the number of zeroes in your bank account. How shocked I was to find out I was wrong! Did you know that money is important? Thanks to the news that broke this past March, I do now! I decided I had to take advantage of investigate the situation. Below is a transcript of my recent phone conversation with an admissions officer at Yale University Law School.

Nice phone lady: Hi, this is Yale University Law School Admissions Office! How can I help you?

Me: Hi! My name is Annie Smalls, and I'm interested in applying to Yale Law this coming admissions cycle.

NPL: Oh, that's great to hear! What can I help you with?

Me: So I was thinking of scheduling a tour of campus next month, but I thought that I should let you know that I'm real good at soccer.

NPL: Congratulations…?

Me: You get it… I said "I'm real good at soccer!" [winks].

NPL: Okay?

Me: Know what I mean, jellybean? [winks several more times]

NPL: Ma'am, if you're winking at me or something, please know that I can't see you over the phone.

Me: Hm, perhaps I should be more explicit. Do you have a Yale Law soccer coach I could talk to? Maybe someone who's been a little down-and-out lately? Someone who believes in a little tit-for-tat, someone who's been eyeing that new Toyota Sienna and who also has an extra spot for a backup-backup goalie who won't be needed for the entire season?

NPL: Ma'am, law schools don't have sport teams.

Me: Ack! That throws a wrench in my nefarious plo-- I mean admissions plan.

NPL: Excuse me?

Me: Hm. Well do you have any desperate debate coaches? Any mangy mock trial managers? Any slimy pro-bono overseers with some leftover recruiting slots?

NPL: No, all of those organizations are student-run.

Me: Listen up lady, I have $100 burning a hole in my pocket and I want to make sure that my money goes to the right place. Now tell me, who do I need to talk to to make sure that my 129 on the LSAT gets overlooked?

NPL: Ma'am, that barely covers the application fee.

Me: Well, scratch that then. Where is this "side door" that has gotten so much good press lately? I swear, I have been staring at this campus map for hours and I just can't seem to find it!

NPL: Listen here, are you trying to be cute?

Me: I mean, I am wearing sparkly eyeshadow, but I didn't put that much effort into it--

NPL: Ma'am, did you even LISTEN to the menu options? It's press 'one' for admissions, and 'seven' for the side door! Not my department, not my problem.

Me: Oh dear, I'm so sorry! I had no intentions of wasting your time. Any chance you can transfer me?

NPL: Yeah, yeah. That's half my job nowadays.

Me: Thanks so much!

NPL: Whatever.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less

19 Lessons I'll Never Forget from Growing Up In a Small Town

There have been many lessons learned.

houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments