Before I begin, I want to say that this was, for me, a mild episode. My mild episodes can be severe episodes to others. Regardless of what your depressive episodes look like, no matter how mild or severe, I want you to know that every episode matters to me. Your episodes matter to me, your mental health matters to me, and you matter to me.
18 May 2019-
Depression can be so funny sometimes. It's like, one second I'm fine. I'm smiling, laughing, scrolling through Instagram looking at things that make me laugh, and the next I am curled up on the couch sobbing into my roommates blanket. Today has been a cycle of laughter and broken sobs. Today, my soul hurts. It aches and I'm numb.
I woke up today with a gut-wrenching feeling in my heart. My chest hurt, it was hard to breathe, and my heart rate spiked to 172 BPM before I was even out of bed this morning. I hadn't moved yet and it felt like I had just run a 10K. I was exhausted, worn out, and emotionless. I spent the day telling myself that this wasn't an episode but that I was just feeling neutral. I just didn't have feelings today. But as the day progressed, I found my emotions becoming more intense. The sobbing sessions lasted an hour, not five minutes. My laughing fits to myself lasted ten seconds rather than ten minutes.
As I lay on my couch with my roommates blanket for eight hours, I noticed a few things. I am numb. I can't feel my legs, my hands, my face. My heart seemed to be numb, too. My palms were sweating, my heart rate was still in the 170s, and I grew more exhausted the longer I lay there. I was planted to my couch today because the numbness of my limbs wouldn't allow for me to go to bed. My hands were so shaky I couldn't bring my water bottle to my lips without spilling. So I didn't drink. I literally felt myself growing more dehydrated as the hours drag on.
Next, I begin thinking about how big of a mess I am. How my hair hadn't been washed in 36 hours, my sink was full of dirty dishes, I was still in my pajamas at 5 PM, and I had about 100 unread emails. On top of this, I had my clean laundry mixed with my dirty laundry. My garbage was overflowing, my apartment was freezing, and I had only eaten captain crunch today.
It wasn't until 7 PM, approximately 9 hours after this day started for me that I got my sorry a** off of the couch. I got up, did my dishes, took out my trash, separated my laundry, turned my phone off, and felt slightly better. Not 100% better, but 10% happier, for sure. I am at the point where now I can drink my water. My heart rate is down to 77 BPM and my chest doesn't feel like it's being cracked with every breath I take. My eyes are still puffy and full of tears, but compared to where I was even two hours ago, I've come a long way.
It's okay to have days like this. Days where you're numb, don't respond to texts, and where you cry. What's not okay, is letting yourself go in these moments. Forgetting to take care of yourself in these moments. Forgetting that your body needs nourishment and only you can give it that. You are allowed to feel bad for yourself, have a pity party, and be sad. But you're not allowed to let these things consume your life. SO I encourage you if this sounds like you, to pull yourself up. Do your dishes, go for a walk, wash your hair, paint your nails, eat a salad, or something with nutrients in it, and breathe. This isn't permanent, it's only temporary and the sun will shine tomorrow.