The Things I Wrote In My Journal Mid Depressive Episode
Start writing a post

The Things I Wrote In My Journal Mid Depressive Episode

An official publication of one page in my journal while having a mild depressive episode.

The Things I Wrote In My Journal Mid Depressive Episode

Before I begin, I want to say that this was, for me, a mild episode. My mild episodes can be severe episodes to others. Regardless of what your depressive episodes look like, no matter how mild or severe, I want you to know that every episode matters to me. Your episodes matter to me, your mental health matters to me, and you matter to me.

18 May 2019-

Depression can be so funny sometimes. It's like, one second I'm fine. I'm smiling, laughing, scrolling through Instagram looking at things that make me laugh, and the next I am curled up on the couch sobbing into my roommates blanket. Today has been a cycle of laughter and broken sobs. Today, my soul hurts. It aches and I'm numb.

I woke up today with a gut-wrenching feeling in my heart. My chest hurt, it was hard to breathe, and my heart rate spiked to 172 BPM before I was even out of bed this morning. I hadn't moved yet and it felt like I had just run a 10K. I was exhausted, worn out, and emotionless. I spent the day telling myself that this wasn't an episode but that I was just feeling neutral. I just didn't have feelings today. But as the day progressed, I found my emotions becoming more intense. The sobbing sessions lasted an hour, not five minutes. My laughing fits to myself lasted ten seconds rather than ten minutes.

As I lay on my couch with my roommates blanket for eight hours, I noticed a few things. I am numb. I can't feel my legs, my hands, my face. My heart seemed to be numb, too. My palms were sweating, my heart rate was still in the 170s, and I grew more exhausted the longer I lay there. I was planted to my couch today because the numbness of my limbs wouldn't allow for me to go to bed. My hands were so shaky I couldn't bring my water bottle to my lips without spilling. So I didn't drink. I literally felt myself growing more dehydrated as the hours drag on.

Next, I begin thinking about how big of a mess I am. How my hair hadn't been washed in 36 hours, my sink was full of dirty dishes, I was still in my pajamas at 5 PM, and I had about 100 unread emails. On top of this, I had my clean laundry mixed with my dirty laundry. My garbage was overflowing, my apartment was freezing, and I had only eaten captain crunch today.

It wasn't until 7 PM, approximately 9 hours after this day started for me that I got my sorry a** off of the couch. I got up, did my dishes, took out my trash, separated my laundry, turned my phone off, and felt slightly better. Not 100% better, but 10% happier, for sure. I am at the point where now I can drink my water. My heart rate is down to 77 BPM and my chest doesn't feel like it's being cracked with every breath I take. My eyes are still puffy and full of tears, but compared to where I was even two hours ago, I've come a long way.

It's okay to have days like this. Days where you're numb, don't respond to texts, and where you cry. What's not okay, is letting yourself go in these moments. Forgetting to take care of yourself in these moments. Forgetting that your body needs nourishment and only you can give it that. You are allowed to feel bad for yourself, have a pity party, and be sad. But you're not allowed to let these things consume your life. SO I encourage you if this sounds like you, to pull yourself up. Do your dishes, go for a walk, wash your hair, paint your nails, eat a salad, or something with nutrients in it, and breathe. This isn't permanent, it's only temporary and the sun will shine tomorrow.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
the beatles
Wikipedia Commons

For as long as I can remember, I have been listening to The Beatles. Every year, my mom would appropriately blast “Birthday” on anyone’s birthday. I knew all of the words to “Back In The U.S.S.R” by the time I was 5 (Even though I had no idea what or where the U.S.S.R was). I grew up with John, Paul, George, and Ringo instead Justin, JC, Joey, Chris and Lance (I had to google N*SYNC to remember their names). The highlight of my short life was Paul McCartney in concert twice. I’m not someone to “fangirl” but those days I fangirled hard. The music of The Beatles has gotten me through everything. Their songs have brought me more joy, peace, and comfort. I can listen to them in any situation and find what I need. Here are the best lyrics from The Beatles for every and any occasion.

Keep Reading...Show less
Being Invisible The Best Super Power

The best superpower ever? Being invisible of course. Imagine just being able to go from seen to unseen on a dime. Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to be invisible? Superman and Batman have nothing on being invisible with their superhero abilities. Here are some things that you could do while being invisible, because being invisible can benefit your social life too.

Keep Reading...Show less
houses under green sky
Photo by Alev Takil on Unsplash

Small towns certainly have their pros and cons. Many people who grow up in small towns find themselves counting the days until they get to escape their roots and plant new ones in bigger, "better" places. And that's fine. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought those same thoughts before too. We all have, but they say it's important to remember where you came from. When I think about where I come from, I can't help having an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for my roots. Being from a small town has taught me so many important lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Keep Reading...Show less
​a woman sitting at a table having a coffee

I can't say "thank you" enough to express how grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have made such a huge impact on my life. I would not be the person I am today without you and I know that you will keep inspiring me to become an even better version of myself.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

college students waiting in a long line in the hallway

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments