The Things I Wrote In My Journal Mid Depressive Episode

The Things I Wrote In My Journal Mid Depressive Episode

An official publication of one page in my journal while having a mild depressive episode.


Before I begin, I want to say that this was, for me, a mild episode. My mild episodes can be severe episodes to others. Regardless of what your depressive episodes look like, no matter how mild or severe, I want you to know that every episode matters to me. Your episodes matter to me, your mental health matters to me, and you matter to me.

18 May 2019-

Depression can be so funny sometimes. It's like, one second I'm fine. I'm smiling, laughing, scrolling through Instagram looking at things that make me laugh, and the next I am curled up on the couch sobbing into my roommates blanket. Today has been a cycle of laughter and broken sobs. Today, my soul hurts. It aches and I'm numb.

I woke up today with a gut-wrenching feeling in my heart. My chest hurt, it was hard to breathe, and my heart rate spiked to 172 BPM before I was even out of bed this morning. I hadn't moved yet and it felt like I had just run a 10K. I was exhausted, worn out, and emotionless. I spent the day telling myself that this wasn't an episode but that I was just feeling neutral. I just didn't have feelings today. But as the day progressed, I found my emotions becoming more intense. The sobbing sessions lasted an hour, not five minutes. My laughing fits to myself lasted ten seconds rather than ten minutes.

As I lay on my couch with my roommates blanket for eight hours, I noticed a few things. I am numb. I can't feel my legs, my hands, my face. My heart seemed to be numb, too. My palms were sweating, my heart rate was still in the 170s, and I grew more exhausted the longer I lay there. I was planted to my couch today because the numbness of my limbs wouldn't allow for me to go to bed. My hands were so shaky I couldn't bring my water bottle to my lips without spilling. So I didn't drink. I literally felt myself growing more dehydrated as the hours drag on.

Next, I begin thinking about how big of a mess I am. How my hair hadn't been washed in 36 hours, my sink was full of dirty dishes, I was still in my pajamas at 5 PM, and I had about 100 unread emails. On top of this, I had my clean laundry mixed with my dirty laundry. My garbage was overflowing, my apartment was freezing, and I had only eaten captain crunch today.

It wasn't until 7 PM, approximately 9 hours after this day started for me that I got my sorry a** off of the couch. I got up, did my dishes, took out my trash, separated my laundry, turned my phone off, and felt slightly better. Not 100% better, but 10% happier, for sure. I am at the point where now I can drink my water. My heart rate is down to 77 BPM and my chest doesn't feel like it's being cracked with every breath I take. My eyes are still puffy and full of tears, but compared to where I was even two hours ago, I've come a long way.

It's okay to have days like this. Days where you're numb, don't respond to texts, and where you cry. What's not okay, is letting yourself go in these moments. Forgetting to take care of yourself in these moments. Forgetting that your body needs nourishment and only you can give it that. You are allowed to feel bad for yourself, have a pity party, and be sad. But you're not allowed to let these things consume your life. SO I encourage you if this sounds like you, to pull yourself up. Do your dishes, go for a walk, wash your hair, paint your nails, eat a salad, or something with nutrients in it, and breathe. This isn't permanent, it's only temporary and the sun will shine tomorrow.

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A list Of 15 Inspiring Words That Mean So Much

A single word can mean a lot.

Positivity is so important in life. A lot of times we always go to quotes for empowerment but I have realized that just one word can be just as powerful. Here is a list of inspiring words.

1. Worthy

Realizing your self-worth is important. Self-worth can really make or break a persons personality. Always know that you are worthy of respect. And also, never compare yourself to others.

2. Courage

Be courageous in life. Life has so many opportunities so do not be scared to grasp any opportunity that comes your way. You have the ability to do anything you have your heart and mind set to do, even the things that frighten you.

3. Enough

When you are feeling down and feeling that nothing you do is ever good enough, know that you are more than enough. And yes there is always room for improvement but when it comes to my self-worth I always have to remind myself that I am enough.

4. Blessed

Be thankful. A lot of times we forget how blessed we are. We focus so much on stress and the bad things that are going on in our lives that we tend to forget all of the beautiful things we have in life.

5. Focus

Focus on your goals, focus on positive things, and focus on the ones you love. Do not focus on things that will keep you from not reaching your goals and people that do not have good intentions for your life.

6. Laugh

Laughing is one of the best forms of medicine. Life is truly better with laughter.

7. Warrior

Through the good and the bad you are a warrior. Be strong, soldier.

8. Seek

Seek new things. Allow yourself to grow in life. Do not just be stuck.

9. Faith

During the bad times, no matter the circumstances, have faith that everything will be all right.

10. Live

Start living because life is honestly way too short. Live life the way you want to live. Do not let anyone try to control you.

11. Enjoy

Enjoy everything that life has to offer. Enjoy even the littlest of things because, as I said before, life is short. And plus, there is no time to live life with regrets.

12. Believe

Believe in yourself and never stop. Believing in yourself brings so many blessings and opportunities in your life.

13. Serendipity

A lot of times we look for things to fill an empty void that we have. Usually what we are looking for comes when we are not looking at all. Your serendipity will come.

14. Create

Share your ideas with the world. Creativity brings change to your life. However you chose to use your creativity do not be scared to show your intelligence, talent, and passion.

15. Love

The world is already full of so much hate, so love unconditionally with all your heart.

Cover Image Credit: Tanveer Naseer

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The Rejuvenating Qualities Of Panama City Beach

There are definitely some healing properties in these ocean waves.


We have gone to the beach quite a few times this summer season. We live around 2 hours away and try to make it to Panama City Beach at least once a week. It's a venture for sure, but compared to the 7-day drive from The Rockies of Colorado to the Peanut Capital of the World, Dothan, Alabama (a time in which no one has heard of) we can't really make any excuses.

Now, I am sitting here typing away in the early morning while watching a summer storm blow in over the sea but, make no doubt about it, the ocean and its shores are one of the most healing, rejuvenating places on this planet. There is a calm in the break of the waves on the shoreline, and yet it pairs with an unspoken knowledge that the ocean is this uncontrollable force.

This isn't a speech on saving the planet and being eco-friendly, recycling and watching out for our beaches, which is a topic I am very passionate about and a post I would totally create. This is simply an open letter to those who might need to get away in order to revive their souls.

If you are anything like me, you have emotions pulsing through you at all times, ideas about everything under the sun, a longing to explore and adventure, and a deep need for rest, all at the same time. There are not many things in this world that truly satisfy me. There is a lot of disappointment. There is a lot of wrongdoing and suffering. It's overwhelming.

That is why I come to the beach. It removes the overwhelming things.

You see, there is nothing complicated about the waves (unless you make it complicated, but we stay away from people like you). They are simple. They are peaceful. And 99% of the time in my life that is what I need, simplicity and peace. I over-complicate things myself, I make excuses and I feel hurt in most moments of my life. I lived an exposed, vulnerable lifestyle that drains me.

That is why I love the ocean. It replenishes my drained soul. It energizes me. It is motivating and inspiring, relaxing and unwinding.

I don't pass out advice. I never have. I do, however, try living an honest life, always in the moment, so I can share my experiences in hopes that others might find them helpful. That is precisely why I am writing this. Because if you could just get to the beach, to a shoreline, it might change you. Seeing this vast landscape changes your perspective on the situations in your life you thought might overtake you.

The ocean speaks. It heals. It tells your worries to cease and your mind to rest. It tells your body to relax and your busy schedule that there IS time to take a moment. Don't forget to take a moment for yourself this summer season.

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