No matter what stage you are at in life, I think we all have a story. Maybe you are in the process of writing it, maybe you already know what it is, or maybe you have no idea what your story is and when people ask you about it you stare at them with a blank face because you are just kind of walking through life. At one time that was me. People talked about the lives that they live, the lessons they have learned, and how that has become their testimony - their story. Well, here I am, 17 years old, and although I am still growing and learning and falling head over heels for my Lord, I have a story - - a purpose.. and you do too.
My story is a story taken by the dark hands of depression and anxiety - - but has now been released into a life of freedom and exhilaration. My story consists of fear, hopelessness, and distress - - but it also consists of hope, strength, rescue, and creed. I have come to the realization that dreadful, compulsive, and disgusting panic attacks are the way that I cope with stress, depression, and anxiety. It is not something that I am proud of and not something that I show to people. I worry about what is going to happen when I have to go out into the real world - to college in a year - and what people are going to think about some "crazy and emotionally unstable girl." I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at my container of pills and thought to myself, "If I just swallow all of these, everything will be over and okay and I won't be a burden to anyone anymore." I have had countless nights running myself down and draining myself out with a heart-wrenching mental breakdown, telling myself that I do not have a purpose and I have reached the end of the book. I have felt weak, I have felt worthless, and most of all, I have felt unworthy. Two years of being broken and feeble turned into a moment when I was lying on my dining room floor in tears, after having to call the suicide prevention hotline, and surrendering every last ounce of my strength and dignity to God. I could hear him saying that "He will wipe away every tear from my eyes, and death and pain shall be no more.. " (Revelation 21:4). God used the broken and embarrassing cracks of my life and turned them into a blessing and a testimony: A purpose and a story that I am not only beginning to share, but also finding peace and healing in. This is a picture of what it is like after one of my persistent panic attacks - messy, scattered, and ugly - kind of like life:
Genesis 35:3 says "He has been with me everywhere I have gone." And He will be with you wherever you go. You have a purpose and you have a story. Just like the different chapters of a book, we go through pages of despair that turn into joy, and cracks that turn into wholesome significance. God works in such mysterious ways. He knows your story, and He knows the finished product of your book even though you are still walking through the blank pages of this unknown life. Right at this very moment, God is working. He is smiling down on you, and watching you discover your purpose - - your story.
You may not know what your story is yet, but I know that God knows it all: where you are at, where you are going, and where you will end. So here I am, after two years of discouragement and desperation, telling you that I know it is during the times when you are at your darkest hour that God is working in your life and He is walking alongside you as you go through this amazing story of adventure and hope that He has written out specifically for you.
"Everyone's got a story, it's time to live yours." - Mackenzie Bourge
I have finally found peace in the fact that the nasty, the dreadful, and the revolting brokenness in this messy life of mine comes my purpose. My story of brokenness does not make me unworthy of God's love but it makes me worthy of God's love, because I can share it as a testimony, which also brings me healing and assurance.
My prayer is that you not only fall head over heels for our almighty God and pour yourself into His word, but once you find your purpose, you do everything you can to do it for His glory. Enjoy the pages that get turned, and the surprises and promises that lie ahead.
They are all part of your purpose, and they are all part of your story.
"I'm going to make you into everything I ever meant for you to be."
- Genesis 22:17
