Depression happens to everyone, in small forms and large. Each persons experience with depression is different, it could be caused from a boyfriend, school, or family. Im not here to tell you how to rid your depression for good, Im not even here for readers, I am here for myself and to share my story.

The first thing about depression I realized is that it grows and sneaks up on you. One night you have a fight with the guy your seeing and that turns into a failed test, the failed test turns into a low gpa and suddenly you're being abused, you're failing and can't figure out how to get your life back on track. I used to become so stressed that I would take four times the prescribed amount of Melatonin and sleep for 16-20 hours straight. Depression inn my friend group wasn't talked about or if it was it was joking or talking about someone else experience outside of the group. It made me feel small when I thought about the possibility as though I wasn't as strong and dependent as the rest of my friends. The longer I put off that my depression, denying it to myself and my friends the worse it became. Feeding off the poor decisions I continued to make always worrying about not being seen as good enough rather that what I was turning into. It took a big event for my to realize where I was in my life. After losing a person who couldn't have felt the same way if he tried I looked around at the people that did care, some of them were still there and some spaced themselves from me. I was becoming as much of a strung out, toxic person as I concerned myself with for months. Once this became clear to me I knew it was time to back away from the life I was leading.

I sat down with myself for days and thought about what I didn't like about myself. It hard to critique yourself this way, pin point and break down every little thing. It made me feel like even more crap but in the long run this is the most important part of helping yourself. Once you realize what it is about yourself hurting you then you can move on and better yourself. Apologizing was the next step, making sure the bridges you have burned were back in construction. It is surprising how forgiving people can be when they realize how much you are trying.

The process can also give a lot to you, for me I learned who my real friends are. I had a group of girls I loved with my whole heart. I wasn't a perfect friend to them with what I had been going through but not one of us was perfect. When I had a lapse in my recovery and tried to reach out to one of those girls about a suicide attempt she instead recorded and screens hotted everything sending it to people that had no idea I was even depressed. She had betrayed me and I was left feeling as though I did not have anyone because all of the girls told me they were too scared to stand up to her and fight for me. I desperate and looking for anyone to listen, I felt more alone than ever and ended up going through with my suicide attempt, I had every intention of doing it. Then I realized, these people weren't who I wanted to be friends with, all we had in common was going out and drinking. When I left the group I gained so much respect from people, telling me I was like them, I was better. Once I ridded these toxic people from my life it was as though a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It is hard to find out that your friends are not true to you, it will even hurt after you find out. However, the sooner you find out the sooner you will be happy and can move on to better things.

Being outside is a mood booster as well, even such a small thing as opening up your windows, lounging outside or going on a walk. It doesn't have to be anything major. For me the sun always helps to cure my mood, the brightness and happiness that is associated with it, even the warmth makes me fell protected. I also like to remember how much better you feel just being happy and nice, as hard as it is it really is all a mind set. Most importantly let go of everything. Let go of the reasons that got you here, let go of your toxic friends, let go of everyone who wronged you, and let go of why the wronged you. Be forgiving, be happy and do not become to other peoples levels.