Dear BCU Student Wifi,

Thou art a beslubbering, folly-fallen, flap dragon.

For if you were an actor you'd be Nic Cage. Because you rarely work, and when you do it's still shitty.

If you were a TV show, you'd be "Two Broke Girls" because you somehow suck more now than you did when I first saw you three years ago.

It's fitting that your icon looks like a tornado because you blow... a lot.

In the three years that I've known you, you've always been flaky but recently you've become utterly unreliable. You're like every Bond villain's plan: you start off fast and show great promise, but just end up being something that makes me shout to the screen, "Just fucking do it already!"

And it's one thing to not work, but it's another to give me hope and then obliterate that hope like you're a freaking jackhammer on concrete. So please, can you tell me why you will load the ad of a YouTube video but not the actual video? Or why you will load the title of an article but not the article? Or perhaps you can tell me why that blue bar will go shooting across the screen and then suddenly stop, less than an inch from completing the task? Seriously, why was the first 95% of that journey as easy as traveling is in every movie montage ever, but the last 5% is like you're taking the ring to Mordor?

I mean come on, what's the deal? Is it me?

Are you doing this because I connect to a different wifi network when I go home?

You gotta know that the other wifi network doesn't mean anything to me. Whenever I have to connect to it, I'm only thinking about you. Okay?

And I know I was kinda harsh earlier, but even when you're utterly dysfunctional I never leave you for the "guest" wifi. And I always encourage you to "try again" when you fail.

So is it really too much to ask for you to work? You've done it before.

There was that one time on August 23, 2014 and that other time on January 6, 2015. Whaddya say you try and recapture those glory days, huh?

Until then, I'll be over here reading like a goddamn pilgrim.