Sometimes I wonder if you're ever really attainable.
When I don't get that grade, can't fit into that dress, won't start a conversation or feel like a mess, the lies find a microphone. Your existence seems to sink backstage.
If I lose 10 lbs,
If I get straight A's,
If I have clear skin,
If I talk to that person,
If I get that job,
Now, these are all amazing things that I can work towards, but they can quickly become deadly. Your presence becomes toxic and circumstantial—only based on the present moment. If I wear makeup or that outfit. If I'm with these people or going to that party. Your existence is conditional of outside circumstances, not naturally on the acceptance or love of myself.
You only come in if
I lose 10 lbs.,
Get straight A's
Have clear skin
Talk to that person
And get that job.
Not, regardless of these things.
Regardless of if I lose 10 lbs. or get straight A's, I need to learn to invite you in. Invite you into my perspective of the world and myself.
I am learning to acknowledge the standards that raise in expectation and volume as I walk that fine circumstantial line. The standards set by myself, my family, friends, society, the media, etc.
So, I had to dig deeper into the scarcity of you.
The root is fear. Fear of rejection, not being good enough, not being worthy of love, history repeating itself, heartbreak, etc. This stunts any growth of the truest form of you.
I am learning that having a lack of you is not an excuse but a motivator.
A motivator to work on myself internally before worrying about myself externally.
A motivator to see you in the little things and invite others on this journey.
A motivator to surround myself with people who tell you the truth about who I am and how I'm becoming.
A motivator to look at the beautiful progress made in small steps.
Thank you for the glimpses into who you are, even when I questioned.
I am becoming the truest form of myself because of you day by day.