Thank you

Thank you for teaching me how I don't want to be

Thank you for teaching me to fight through what I thought was the worst thing in the world

Thank you for teaching me that what one person does really matters

Thank you for saying I'm not good enough and you wouldn't have chosen me

Thank you for making my life difficult

Thank you for making me realize that passions change

I had a passion for running once

This passion I gained in high school

A passion that wasn't mine at the start.

I was dragged to practice by my mom

Discouraged I didn't want to stay but it was because of the kindness of one man who made me reconsider

That same man helped me through one of the toughest times of my life

The same man who selflessly put the needs of his team before his own, and it wasn't just because he wanted us to be state champions, but that he wanted us to succeed in life and be happy.

It was because of him that I chose to make the change from just going to another practice to pursuing a passion.

"Family" was the word we would say at the end of every practice.

Circled up together, we would say it as a team and mean it.

The words felt true.

It was because of those people and that same man that I gained a passion

A passion beyond the career that I knew I wanted from a young age

A passion that would give me a familiar community in what quickly became unknown territory.

A passion that looked the same, but felt different.

What changed between then and now?

Is is something I did?

Or something I said?

No

It was simply time for me to realize that passions changed

I held onto this false hope, this false reality that I can have the same sense of family in a new environment

The same family I had in high school

Wake up, it looks different

As I try to navigate this new place and figure out how I belong, I knew not to fear because I had the two things that helped me gain the passion for the sport I learned to love.

Community with my coach and community with my peers.

I learned quickly that this wasn't the same

New people, new places

I was determined to find my place

Something wasn't fitting and I couldn't figure it out

The voices in my head were screaming "FAMILY FAMILY" over the sound of reality.

This sport had become all I knew

I had formed my identity around it

It was crippling when I was blinded by the reality of what it became and what it used to be

It became me running through the physical and emotional pain

Because it was my "passion"

It became me dragging myself out of bed for 6 am practice

Because it was my "passion"

It became gagging in the toilet the morning before a race

Because of the nerves of letting my coach down

But for what?

Was all of that worth it to then be told constantly how bad you are

How you aren't important on the team

That you would be better off on the club team

"You aren't contributing"

"You suck"

"The only reason you are still on the team is because you make good grades"

Even then I was blinded because I was following my "passion"

I came to you with tears running down my face and you said "I wish you showed this much passion when running"

The moment I tried to confide in you about personal issues

You simply said

"get over it"

In that moment I lost the community with my coach.

In that same moment I started to wake up to reality

A coach is supposed to be the person who brings you up

And all you did was bring me down

A coach supports you and helps you reach your goals and your passions.

Instead you degraded me, insulted me, threatened to cut me, and hurt my spirit.

I would wake up each day and try so hard to find something good in you because I believe there is good in every person.

I truly believe that

Thanks to you I have never had to search so hard to find a kind bone in someone's body

So thank you to all the shit you put me through.

I could take all that you have done to me and beat myself up, but that's what you want

That would make you win

Instead I will take it and apply it to the passion that I have had since I was 10.

My calling is a teacher.

I want to make a difference in kids' lives.

I want to be a support system for my students, an ally for them

I always knew that one person can make a difference and now, thanks to you, I understand how.

I lost my passion for running because of how degrading, rude and self-centered you are.

If it weren't for how you treated me and my teammates, I wouldn't have left. I would have still loved running as much as I once did

I would have been traveling and gaining experiences that I was passionate about

But I don't live in the "what if" world

I live in a world where I need to follow my heart and that will make me happy

You have showed me that my passions can and have changed.

It was because of you that my passion for kids has grown stronger.

I am determined to make sure my students NEVER feel the way you made me feel. If it weren't for you, I would have never met the family I babysit for now. I am the happiest I have been in a year and it's all because you treated me like absolute crap.

So thank you

Thank you for being the person I never hope to be.

To all of the people who can relate, please stick to following your heart. There are going to be people in your life that will try to break you down until you feel like there is nothing left and the world is hopeless. Don't let them break you.