Rihanna and Chris Brown, Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber, Hugh Hefner and every blonde with big boobs: These are all examples of couples that make us cringe. Luckily, we don't have to directly deal with these unfortunate pairs, but every once in a while, we are plagued with the cruelest situation imaginable: hating our best friend's significant other. There are few things worse than being in this position, eating broken glass, and stubbing your pinky toe to name a few. And yet, we are forced to endure the pain because after all, they are our best friend. Here are the things that we wish we could say, but are too nice to do so.
You are WAY out of his/her league. Okay, listen. You are my best friend, my number one, my head muchacho, and a perfect 10 on all scales, so why the heck are you dating a hard 5? Don't get me wrong, the looks are there, but once you get past all the hair gel and nice clothes, you're better off dating a rock (which could probably hold a better conversation with you than your current partner).
You're making me feel bad about myself. There is a reason you're my best friend. We laugh at all the same stuff, we double dip in the cheese sauce when we eat Mexican, and we are basically the same person. So how the heck do you think I feel when you say that you are head-over-heels for the lamest person ever? You hang out with me, am I lame? Do I suck? Am I a hard 5? Of course I'm not, but when you hang out with people who are, it makes me question my coolness level, and that's just not okay.
I was here first. We made a secret handshake, we pulled all nighters in the library creeping on your ex's new girlfriend, and we even streaked across the quad together (Okay, that never happened, but we still have 2 years left to do it). Since when does all that mean nothing? The fact is, I was here before you two met on tinder. I am here now, and I will be here when you realize who you're dating. But sitting around waiting for that to happen blows, just so you know.
How am I supposed to like someone who you always speak poorly about? I've wiped your tears, given dirty looks at the bar, made toasts about being single forever, and yet you expect me to approve of this grade-A douche bag. That's just unfair. You say you have this “connection", but how am I supposed to approve of a person that makes you mad, sad, and crazy on a regular basis? I get it, we all have to vent sometimes, but if you're constantly telling me these ridiculous stories, my approval is never going to exist.
You're not you when you're with him/her. If you have to change for him or her, then they are not right for you. I signed up for perky Polly, who laughs at my lame jokes, not sad Brad, who doesn't say a word when you know who is around. People like you, I like you, just the way you are (**and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while**). And if any guy or girl expects you to change, or makes you act differently, I will be the awkward one muttering "I OBJECT" at your wedding.
Stop asking me to hang out with you two. Movies portray magical settings where third wheeling is fun, and hanging out with your pal and his or her significant other is exciting, and maybe it is for some people, but not for me. I signed up to be your friend, not to split a couples combo for three at the movies. There is just not enough popcorn to go around in those things, and if that isn't a metaphor, I'm not sure what is.
I just want you to be happy. I have seen you at your peaks and at your pits. I remember how excited you were when you got your dream internship for the summer, and I try not to remember the time I found you fast asleep and alone in the Red Lion bathroom. I know how you are when you are happy, but I can also recognize the things that upset you and tear you down, and I hate seeing you that way. Anyone who is friends with me has to be amazing, and you are. I just think you deserve the absolute best, and that is not what you're getting.