Dear Adrien Brody,
Let me begin by saying that I just finished watching “American Heist." It is by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It will forever be in the ranks of “Splice,” “Midnight in Paris," “Wrecked,” “The eXperiment,” “Predators,” and “The Jacket”. What do all of these movies have in common beyond being the worst of the worst movies ever? You star in all of them.
If you were a bad actor this would make perfect sense, but alas, you are not a bad actor. Beyond the terrible movies listed above you also star in a movie that is in my top five and two of my top twenty. “The Pianist” is by far one of the greatest films ever created. Your physical transformation for that role was amazing, and shows what a gifted actor you are. You lost over 30 pounds for that role. That weight loss shows a true commitment for the role and the film overall.
This is a commitment only a truly talented actor, such as yourself, could make. There’s no doubt that you deserved the Oscar Award for your work in this film. It was amazing and you were one of the main reasons. You personified the Holocaust in a way that forced the world to see it in a new light. We knew about the loss, we knew about the pain, death and horrors. We didn’t know about the fight. The fight millions of Jews had for life. I don’t know if anyone could have done this role better than you.
Moving on. You are also in Wes Anderson’s “Grand Budapest Hotel” and “Darjeeling Unlimited." These movies are not great because of you, they’re great because Wes Anderson is one of the best directors of our time. That said, you are in them, and they still turned out alright so we know you’re not some plague that destroys any movie since “The Pianist." I think you have just made some really bad choices.
Let’s walk through some of the worst offenses, shall we?
“American Heist”
When you got the script originally at any point did you think maybe you wouldn’t be the best gangsta? I feel like this would have occurred to me immediately. Something about a 40 something, scrawny, nerdy guy does not scream bling wearing, gun toting robber to me. Think about it.
“Predators”
Okay, when your agent sits you down and says, "Imagine you, Topher Grace and Lawrence Fishburne all fighting for your lives in the billionth 'Predator' movie." That’s when you say, "What else you got?" not "Where do I sign?!" Remember when I said that you’re scrawny? Even though you bulked up for this movie it just doesn’t work for you.
Last but not least, “Splice."
This movie should never have been made. Something should have clued you in after reading the moment where you sleep with the daughter you raised, who is also genetically fused with both alien and your own DNA. Not in a daddy-daughter snuggly type of sleep either. If that didn’t make you think that this movie might not be for you (or for anyone for that matter), the end of the movie should have. You know what I’m talking about. The point when your daughter grows wings and male genitalia and gets all rapey? Yeah, this is the worst movie ever. You should have known that.
What’s worst for me is that I continue watching all of your horrible movies. I know somewhere deep down, you’re going to come out with another movie that is going to rock my socks off. I know that right now you’re going through some sort of phase. Someone must have told you that after winning an Oscar you can do whatever you want, the world will be your oyster. Somehow, I don’t think that this is what they meant.
I still believe in you, Adrien. I know you can do it.
P.S. I can’t bring myself to even consider seeing “Dragon Blade.” I know it’s going to be terrible and it doesn’t even come out for a month. I'm just going to not watch it and pretend like it never happened, okay?
