Okay, I have a confession. I'm not actually a vegetarian anymore. After three years of a strict, cruelty-free diet, I caved and tweaked my eating habits just a tad. I'm now a pescetarian, a person who doesn't eat meat but does eat fish. Even though I'm now a self-described salmon enthusiast (seriously, I have no idea how I lived without this delicacy for so long), I do understand the ordeals that vegetarians experience during Thanksgiving, because nothing brings out the herbivore struggle like a holiday centered around a baked bird.
1. At first, you try to fly under the radar.
People unfairly like to assume that all vegetarians enjoy talking about the perils of meat all of the time. But some of us only want to eat our mac 'n cheese in peace.
Everyone's always forgetting that you're a vegetarian. You can be friends with someone for years, and they'll still occasionally offer you a bite of their leftover wonton chicken tacos. So why wouldn't everyone just forget that you don't eat meat on this day?
2. But alas, no one forgets you're a vegetarian because Uncle Tim steps in to remind everyone.
You're just going through the line with the rest of your family, getting the deets on your cousin's new significant other when Uncle Tim sneaks up behind you. You can tell from the look in his eye that he's been planning for this day a while. Suddenly, he's cracking jokes about vegetarians he stole from Reddit.
3. Then someone suggests that since today is a holiday, you can "cheat" on your diet.
Being a vegetarian is not the same as being on the Atkins diet. There aren't any cheat days. You're either in or you're out. Even if you did want to try the turkey, even just a bite would make you sick. And no one wants that.
4. Someone will be waiting for you to give a speech about how the meat industry is evil.
They will be waiting for a long time. No one wants to hear that, and you certainly don't want to be the messenger. Food documentaries can be the ones that send the message.
5. It's okay to be a little sassy in return -- just don't overdo it.
I mean, you totally get what Uncle Tim is saying about how God put animals on Earth for us. But man, Jesus didn't get his steak dinner from a factory farm. While you may want to explain how times have changed, it's sometimes better to just throw a one-liner at him while moving on to the mashed potatoes.
Don't forget that your family members mean well. They love you even if they love giving you a hard time more. That's what family is for, right?
6. Picking out food can be a challenge because you don't want to eat anything meat based.
Did grandma make that green bean casserole with chicken? What about the stuffing? A part of you wants to ask your grandmother, but another part know that if you do that you'll seem like a diva. If you ask grandma about it, after she worked so hard on the meal, it's like you're asking her why she didn't cater to your dietary needs. And after cooking for hours, Grandma does not need your s**t right now.
7. Even if you cooked a meatless dish, no one seems to be that interested in it.
It's disappointing when no one wants to venture out and try your creamed spinach. But hey, it's fine because there's more for you anyway.
8. In the end, you load up on carbs.
Vegetarian? Hah, nope. Call me a carb-o-tarian, y'all. Thanksgiving meals are definitely not a protein packed day for those of us who can't eat turkey. But hey, mashed potatoes and mac 'n cheese are pretty damn tasty.
9. That carb-fest can take a turn for the worst.
Everyone else is starting to feel tired from the amino acid tryptophan in the turkey, and you're feeling, well, bloated. But screw it, the holidays are for stuffing your face even if you can't eat the turkey stuffing. In January, you can lie to yourself about a weight loss New Year's resolution. Until then, chow down.
10. Or instead of packing on the carbs, you can let your sweet tooth win.
Thank God sugar is cruelty-free. That apple pie, pecan pie, and all the pies will be on your plate without any shame.
11. You can always be thankful that alcohol is vegetarian.
Alcohol will always be there, and that is something to be thankful for. Drink up -- you deserve it.
