To the guy who slowly became my best friend and then quickly nothing more,

We had been going on dates for three weeks, having random make-out sessions, and sleepovers once a week by now... "You're one of my best friends in the program and I can't lose you if something were to go wrong," you said to me as we laid in your bed on top of each other at 5 am after a late night of partying, throwing up, and making out. You tasted like Sailor Jerry, blue raspberry vape, and a 4 am dart with your roomies. I rolled away from you, towards the wall. My heart sunk, and my eyes glazed over. You tried to pull me back in, but I just couldn't touch you, it was over. You explained that your mind wants it, but your heart is not ready for a relationship. You have a past that isn't yet healed and you don't want me to be drug into that. We both have different dreams and aspirations for the next 5 years of our lives. Suddenly, all my ideas of lazy cuddle mornings and late nights playing cards with your roommates left my mind. The thoughts of being drunk with your hands all over me were gone. The idea of meeting your brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews excited me but died that morning at 5 am. Truthfully, most of me was hurt, but a sliver of me was relieved; I wasn't going to lose you for good, but I was going to lose your heart. As we shut down the conversation, you ended it with "I'm protecting our friendship, and, in every way, I hope we can keep what we had before this". Pulling me into our last night in your bed, your big arms wrapped around me so effortless, your snoring nose nestled into my ear, and our legs intertwined just like they had been at every other sleepover we had. There, you held me for the rest of the night. When I left the next day, it was bittersweet; you told me to drive safe just like before but when we hugged, I knew it would be the last time we were going to hug each other like that.

As we texted the next day on and off, you reassured me with; "Hey, I said the main reason was to protect our friendship…". Your five-word reply to me thanking you for the fun, "it's what I hoped for…", settled my heart. That made it known that everything I did with you in the last month wasn't useless. It was for a reason, and we found out that reason sooner rather than later.

I know we both have different plans for our lives, but I would just like to say a few things:

Thank you for thinking highly of our friendship regardless of whether I wanted more or not. Thank you for listening to me, comforting me, and hold me through the night when I knew everything in my life was going a little too well and was bound to come crashing down. (I literally told you that word for word, and a week later, here it is, in pieces). I wish you could see just how romantic (or cheesy) I can be, and I wish I could see the moment where it just clicks in your mind, "shitI really do like her". Maybe one day you'll realize it, when we've both half a world away from each other each on missions to pursue the dreams in our hearts, to travel the world and get as far as heck away from home as possible. Maybe you'll find the girl of your dreams and I'll find the man of mine. Maybe, just maybe we'll find ourselves, legs intertwined, ear and nose nestled in, with each other in the same bed again.

Maybe just being friends won't be the worst. All that I ask of you is that you keep my heart guarded. Don't think about asking my opinion on other girls or giving them your side eye as they walk by us during class; don't tell me you might bring them home from the party we're at, or that you've been with this one before; you'll only ever break my heart if you do, you know my response will be, "no one can treat you as good as me". I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed most; nothing, yet everything.

Sincerely,

The girl you couldn't ruin your friendship with..