When thinking of Walt Disney World, two slogans come in mind – "A place where dreams come true" and "The most magical place on earth." A driving factor behind these slogans are cast members, because they are the ones that make sure the magic stays alive for all the guests. Because of this, cast members are known for their kindness, happiness, and generosity.

I have been a cast member at Disney twice through doing two Disney College Programs. I always hoped to uphold the standards that came with that title, as listed above. A lot of people are curious about what it's like to work for Disney, and I will say this, it's actually a wonderful company to work for. I not only loved the values of the company, I loved getting to be a part of the magic. I wanted to make people happy and make their experience at Disney the best one possible.

Sometimes that can be hard, though. While we all have off days, or the few guests that aren't happy no matter what cast members might do for them, I dealt with something else while working. I have anxiety disorder and depression.

Dealing with anxiety and depression was tough. Some days it made me extremely anxious and nervous at work. People seemed like a blur, the noise of the crowds were banging around in my brain, and I felt like I couldn't move. Other days, I felt so tired and had no motivation. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I felt like I couldn't.

On days like these, let's call them my dark days, being that perfect cast member fell away. It would be hard to focus; it was hard to even smile. I had even had to call out of work when it got too bad, because I was too scared to walk out of my front door, or the thought of even putting on my costume felt too hard for me.

These dark days happened more frequently than I cared to admit – several times a month. Sometimes I'd be lucky, and it would land on my days off, but most of the time, it was a constant battle I dealt with.

Sometimes I wished the people I worked with knew what an accomplishment it was for me to show up on these days. Like I said, putting on my costume, getting ready, and driving to work would be difficult when I was dealing with my dark days. I felt exhausted by the time I clocked in. I wanted them to know when they walked up, and I wasn't smiling, that it was not because I didn't care, but because I was fighting the demons in my mind.

Some people may read this and think, why did I work at Disney if I dealt with this? It's a reasonable question. The reason is, as I stated earlier, I love Disney. I loved the company, I loved being a part of the magic, I loved the people I worked with, and I wanted to get my foot in the door for a possible career at Disney in the future.

I also didn't want to let my mental disorders get in the way of me doing what I loved to do. I didn't want to let them win and drive me back home like it did my first time on the program. In Spring 2016, during my first program, I had extended my program, but ended up leaving right as the extension started because I was dealing with suicidal thoughts and very bad depression. I didn't think I'd ever get to work for Disney again, but they let me come back.

So, this past time, I tried to fight back and pushed myself to overcome these obstacles. It was a day to day battle, sometimes I won and sometimes I lost, but overall, I wanted to win the war against my dark days.

I don't know if there will ever be a time when I don't deal with these issues. I can take antidepressants and pray but I don't know if it'll ever fully go away. I hate that I have to deal with it, but I also know that it's kind of a blessing in disguise. It's made me stronger as a person; it's made me a more compassionate person. It's made me look at people and know that they might be dealing with something that none of us can see. When I interacted with guests at work or fellow cast members who may have seemed unhappy or unreasonable, I tried to remember that I had no idea what was going on in their lives, and there's probably a deeper reason for how they were acting.

So, while dealing with anxiety and depression at Disney wasn't an easy task, it's not impossible. Some days I was completely fine and didn't have to deal with it, other days I was not so lucky, but I still tried to do the best that I could. I wanted to be there, even on days when I felt like I didn't. I wanted to be the best cast member possible, even on days when I felt like I couldn't. I didn't want to let my mental struggles dictate my life. I would not let my dark days overshadow my time with Disney; I refused to let them win the war.