Cutting My Hair Every Year Since Middle School Meant I Was Cutting Off So Much More
Start writing a post

Cutting My Hair Every Year Since Middle School Meant I Was Cutting Off So Much More

It was never really about hair.

Cutting My Hair Every Year Since Middle School Meant I Was Cutting Off So Much More

In sixth grade, you cut your hair once.

And every year after that, you'd let it grow down the line of your back only to cut it again.

Short, messy, just beneath the shoulder because your momma never really liked the look of you with hair not long enough to wear into a proper bun. But she took scissors anyway, folded her pointer finger and her thumb around its handles, and cut. Sometimes you wonder if maybe she could see the despair in your eyes.

In seventh grade, you cut your hair again. But, this time, in layers. With blonde highlights.

You took a trip down to New Jersey with someone you used to call your best friend and you came back home with hair just a little bit shorter, just a little blonder, and you feel just a little bit more in control.

It took a while of getting used to, especially for your parents.

In eighth grade, you went the whole school year without chopping off dead ends and you wondered how you kept off all the crazy.

I think there was a time every year where you felt out of control, just a little bit not yourself — you were spiraling down this darkness you didn't really know how to get out of. Your feet were sinking in quicksand and the air wouldn't reach your lungs fast enough so, in a desperate attempt to feel in control again, you cut your hair. And cut and cut and cut again.

High school was different.

You cut your hair once at the beginning of freshman year; this time just a little above the shoulder but still as messy.

And then you let it grow down all the way down the line of your spine to the small of your back.

That was the longest your hair had been since maybe fourth grade.

Right after you turned eighteen, you went to a family friend with a box of light brown hair dye and smiled. This time, there weren't any strands of hair loss to a spontaneous feeling but instead, they were covered in a color just between light and dark.

A couple of months ago, right when the second semester of your sophomore year at college was about to start, you found yourself awake at 4 am in the morning with the sudden desire to cut it all of again. So, you did.

College had been rough from the very beginning and a new change of pace, the kind of different that you still have trouble getting used to. Years before, you read in a book about mental health that sometimes people try to change things about themselves because it's the only string of control their fingertips were able to hold on to when their life was already bottoming out.

But this was never about hair — the length of it, the color, none of that. This was more about getting a good enough drip to decide to shed the dead weight that's been on your shoulders for too long and feeling not-so-out-of-place in a world that demands to label. It was about taking control of the shadows and the haunting voices that captivated.

It was about taking control.

There are still moments where I feel as though I'm tilting off my axis, where I trade in little pieces of me in the shadows but I am no longer trying to cut off ties or coloring roots to try to hide the darkness. I thought I needed to change something just so I didn't see the type of bleak, cold obscurity that was always looming in the background every time I looked in the mirror.

This really wasn't about hair.

It never was.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

150 Words For Anyone Who Loves Football Games

Why I love high school football games, even though I don't like football.

Dallas News

When most think of high school they think of friend drama, parties, getting your drivers license, and best of all foot ball games.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Greatest Speeches In Modern American History

The United States is a relatively infantile nation, but its legacy of spoken rhetoric is one of the richest in the world.


Rhetoric, in all its forms, arrives under the scrutiny of historians both for its historical impact and literary value. Dozens of speeches have either rallied the nation together or driven it drastically apart –– the impact of speeches in politics, social movements, and wars is undeniable.

Keep Reading... Show less

What If The U.N. Actually United The Nations?

This is me taking a break from being cynical and imagining how the world could be one day.


By now, people are probably sick of hearing me talk about myself, so I’m changing it up this week. In keeping with the subject of my J-Term class, I’m asking myself a political what-if question. What if we could create a sovereign global government firmly grounded in justice that could actually adjudicate Earth’s many disparate nation-states into one unified world government?

Keep Reading... Show less

100 Things I'd Rather Do Than Study

Procrastination Nation, unite.

Panda Whale
Here are 100 things I'd rather to than study. I know the semester just started, but

    1. Watch a movie
    2. Take a nap
    3. Have a dance party
    4. Eat ice cream
    5. Bake a cake
    6. Cry just a little bit
    7. Knit a blanket
    8. Learn to ride a bike
    9. Build a crib
    10. Watch a hockey game
    11. Watch any game
    12. Play with my hair
    13. Dye my hair
    14. Go grocery shopping
    15. Learn to crochet
    16. Do 50 jumping jacks
    17. Drive cross country
    18. Take a bubble bath
    19. Squeeze lemons for lemonade
    20. Sell the lemonade
    21. Make heart-shaped ice cubes
    22. Moisturize my knees
    23. Paint my nails
    24. Find the cure for cancer
    25. Run a marathon
    26. Just kidding, run down the hall
    27. Squat my bodyweight
    28. Eat my bodyweight in French fries
    29. Hibernate until Christmas
    30. Cuddle my body pillow (unless you have a boo)
    31. Think about all the work I’m not doing
    32. Wash my bed sheets
    33. Vacuum my apartment
    34. Play mini golf
    35. Go swimming
    36. Tan in this Texas heat
    37. Sing like I’m about to win American Idol
    38. Blow up balloons
    39. Pop the balloons
    40. Make lists
    41. Write an Odyssey article
    42. Pet a puppy
    43. Adopt a puppy
    44. Pay my rent
    45. Order a pizza
    46. Start a garden
    47. Cook a turkey
    48. Find new music
    49. Clean my waffle iron
    50. Learn to make jam
    51. Jam to music
    52. Play scrabble
    53. Volunteer anywhere
    54. Celebrate a birthday
    55. Watch a makeup tutorial I’ll never use
    56. Go through old pictures on my phone
    57. Make a playlist
    58. Take a shower
    59. Clean my room
    60. Curl my hair
    61. Climb a rock wall
    62. Get a massage
    63. Play with Snapchat filters
    64. Roast a chicken
    65. Go fishing
    66. Chug some Snapple
    67. Ride in a cart around Walmart
    68. Count the days until the semester is over
    69. Overthink about my future
    70. Think of my future baby’s names
    71. Pin everything on Pinterest
    72. Text anybody
    73. Pray about life
    74. Watch a sunset
    75. Watch a sunrise
    76. Have a picnic
    77. Read a book (that’s not for school)
    78. Go to a bakery
    79. Snuggle a bunny
    80. Clean my apartment
    81. Wash my dishes
    82. Rearrange my furniture
    83. Physically run away from my problems
    84. Make some meatballs
    85. Learn to make bread
    86. Google myself
    87. Ride a Ferris wheel
    88. Get stuck on a Ferris wheel (that way, it’s not my fault I’m not studying)
    89. Wash my car
    90. Get on a plane to Neverland
    91. Find Narnia in my closet
    92. Jump on a trampoline
    93. Learn to ice skate
    94. Go rollerblading
    95. Ride a rollercoaster
    96. Carve a pumpkin
    97. Restore water in a third world country
    98. FaceTime my family
    99. Hug my mom
    100. Tell my friends I love them

    The Basics Of The United Nations

    As the General Assembly convenes, here is the United Nations 101


    For an organization that literally unites the nations, it amazes me how little is taught about the United Nations in schools, or at least where I went to school. It wasn't until I went to college and got a higher education that I learned the basics of the United Nations. I believe that every American should know at least the basics of what the United Nations does, especially since our country is one of the 5 permanent members. So here are the main "organs" of the United Nations.

    Keep Reading... Show less

    Subscribe to Our Newsletter

    Facebook Comments