The best time of the year is upon us! Sun, warmth, pools, the beach, no college classes. Oh, and also, crying in 50 different department stores because you can't find a single bathing suit that fits.
Here are the 11 stages of bathing suit shopping for all the curvy girls out there.
I mean, who doesn't get excited before shopping? It's always fun buying new clothes, and it's even more fun if you know you are about to wear it out somewhere.
2. Deciding where to go
Don't even think about going to Target. They aren't going to fit, it's a breakdown waiting to happen. I really don't care how cute the suits are there. And, you will walk out with 500 other things you don't need.
Don't. Go. To. Target.
3. The size search
Is there a single bathing suit on this rack that is not an extra-small?
4. The style search
Not only are there no sizes that would fit a grown woman, let alone a curvy one, but there are string bikinis at every turn.
This ENTIRE bikini is going to hold one boob, and likely none if a wave hits.
5. The fitting room
So you've finally found a decent size and one that is being held together by more than a thread.
Time for the fitting room that is going to be exactly 300 degrees and have lighting that makes you look whiter than snow and the meanest mirror you've ever encountered.
You thought you were curvy before? Wait until you look at yourself in this satanic mirror.
6. The try-on
This is undoubtedly the absolute worst part. Stripping off the clothes that were already hard enough to put on, just to try and fight your way into a swimsuit that is not going to be forgiving.
7. The mini breakdown
Why am I a size XL in the bottoms and a size medium in the top? How is this even possible? Why can I barely fit half my thighs in this bikini bottom? Is that the side of my boob popping out? Will I survive this?
8. Gaining composure
So that one didn't fit, I'll just go try another size. Maybe mix-match some sizes. Maybe mix-match some bathing suits. Maybe give up and just go swimming in leggings and a t-shirt.
9. The retry
The last ten didn't work and it looked like I was wearing a thong in every single one.
Fine. I guess I'll just enter this steaming hot fitting room again with a more positive attitude and maybe I will actually get more than one thigh into this one.
10. The switch to the one-piece
Hey, I mean, one-pieces are back in style so why not? Maybe it will actually hold everything together.
11. The full breakdown
This one didn't work. Even the one-pieces are strings.
Why did God have to give me thighs? Why am I even a girl? Boys have it so much easier with their swim trunks. They don't have to deal with strings as bathing suits. Why has a single bathing suit not even remotely fit properly?
*Cue crying and telling whoever I'm shopping with that I'm giving up*
12. The return to old faithful
You gave up, your friend got a super cute suit, you got to have a nice breakdown, and you're just going to end up wearing the same bathing suit you've been wearing the past three summers.