Growing up, my parents would scold me about everything: how I looked, what I wore, who I was with, what I wanted to do.
I thought I wasn't absorbing any of their negativity, but over time, I realized I was becoming more distant from my parents, annoyed, and I recently recognized myself projecting the same criticisms to the people close to me. My ex-boyfriend and I are still close friends. After texting every single day and sharing our experiences in life, I felt that I should take some time to reflect on our relationship and find a stable ground on my own and have some space. I found that there were a lot of things said between each other that made us distant, like comparing each other to someone else, pointing out things that we need to improve on, or stating things that we should be doing.
Reflecting on all the criticisms I've made in the past, most of them didn't make the situation better. Instead of creating a stronger relationship and instead of helping the person close to me improve their self-esteem, I was pushing them away. I was devaluing them. Even though phrases like "you think too much," or "you could've tried harder," seem like something so small, it subconsciously becomes ingrained to the other person's mind.
I realized that I was giving little to no thought about 70 percent of my criticisms. At that moment, I didn't think about the consequences of saying such criticisms. I didn't consider how it'll affect our relationship, or if what I said helped in any way. After an accumulation of these criticisms, big or small, eventually the positive feelings the person associates with you will decline. We like being around people that make us feel good about ourselves, make us feel appreciated and valued. If we'd like to surround ourselves with those kinds of people, shouldn't we also elicit compliments and words of appreciation?
We usually criticize people because we want their behavior to change. When you talk to someone, to give advice or settle an argument, we might criticize them for doing something wrong, but what you believe might be wrong about them, might not be the bigger picture. There could be more to why they act the way they do.
Furthermore, as I said before, statements and criticisms about them won't contribute to improving the situation, and it may even worsen it. With anything you say or do, my main point is to be conscious of it. Be aware that when you say something, it could potentially hurt or subconsciously affect the other person. It's easy for words to slip from your tongue with someone you are close and comfortable with because you think they'd understand and forgive you, even if you say something you don't completely mean, or you had good intentions.
