Florida is a wild place, man. If you've ever seen a news story on TV or on Twitter that seems extra strange, you know what I'm talking about. You see a headline, you scroll down and see Florida, and you shake your head, sigh and say, "Of course it's Florida." Here are some of those instances:
1. Florida woman pulls a knife on a man after he complained that she "farted loudly."
When people get caught farting, they apologize and move on. This woman, on the other hand, in Dania Beach decided to take it to the next level. Instead of simply apologizing after a man said something, or even telling him to mind his own business, she pulled a knife on him and threatened to gut him. How civil, Florida.
2. Surgeon removes a healthy kidney that he thought was a tumor.
I don't even know what to say to this. How do you call yourself a surgeon? Imagine going into surgery for your back, losing your kidney instead, and not even having a say in it, all for nothing.
3. Florida man climbs down a well "to say that he did it" and gets trapped.
Why are people from Florida so stupid? It's not even like he fell in, he voluntarily decided to go down a well just to say that he could do it. Sadly, he couldn't get back out so the fire department had to help him. Of course, this also happened on Halloween night.
4. Florida man shoots a stranger because he wouldn't drink alcohol with him.
I'm sorry but a shot is not that important. The man who was shot did not recognize the other man, which is why he refused the shot. And honestly, who accepts shots from strangers? That's a drugging waiting to happen. In my opinion, that's a good reason to say no. By the time the argument was taken outside, things were heated and the man pulled a gun, shot the victim, and then sped off.
5. Florida gas station owner puts up a microwave sign: "Do not warm urine."
There has to be a story behind this. Apparently, there was a drug testing center next door to the gas station… I guess people were trying to pass their drug test by warming their pee in the microwave. Well, now they know that they can't do it anymore, thank god.
6. Florida man attacks his neighbor with chainsaw over a shrub dispute.
Again, a shrub is not that important. Sure, they should be cut back but not with a freaking chainsaw. Come on, people. That just leads to disaster. The neighbor using the chainsaw did not stop cutting down the shrubs even after the other neighbor grabbed on to them to try to stop him. If he had stopped, the man would not have been injured.
7. Florida restaurant no longer allows "Monkey Mondays" after the animal bit an 8-year-old boy.
What kind of restaurant even does this? The answer is Carrabba's Italian Grill in Stuart, FL. A couple would bring their two monkeys and eat on the patio but after one of their monkeys bit a child, they were no longer allowed to. In my opinion, it was the child's fault for trying to "play" with the monkey, but who am I to say.
8. A naked man on a bicycle stuns Miami commuters in I-95 traffic.
What? Why? Who even? He was wearing nothing but a string as underwear, socks, and sneakers. What a way to ride a bike; I think I'll pass.
9. Drunk Florida man brought a live alligator on his beer run but says he doesn't recall it.
His excuse was that he was under the influence and didn't realize that the gator was alive. However, he was also seen catching the animal, holding it by its neck, and yelling "Florida State, baby!" He took the gator into the convenience store with its mouth taped shut to grab some beer, but is also said to have terrorized people with the animal. He now faces charges from the FWC. Drunk or not, one should know not to mess with gators.
10. Florida man denies drinking and driving, saying he only swigged his bourbon at stop signs.
Okay, okay. So I guess he wasn't drinking and driving. Instead, he was driving, then stopping to drink, and then driving again. An interesting way to comprehend such a simple law, I guess?
11. Florida teacher explains why he drowned raccoons in front of his students.
Uh, killing animals in front of students at a school, what were they thinking? His explanation was that the animals were killing the chickens that the class was raising. Since he couldn't shoot them because guns weren't allowed on school property, and bludgeoning them would be too messy, drowning them was the most humane way to get rid of them.
12. Caged tiger at a Florida high school prom causes an uproar.
At least they stuck to the prom's jungle theme… There were other animals there as well... such as a lemur, macaws, and a fox. Even though there was some controversy, the animals were provided by licensed facilities and approved by the venue.
13. Florida woman blames the "windy day" for the cocaine found in her purse.
How stupid does she think the police are? How strong does she think the wind is?
14. A Florida man thought his neighbor stole his lawn mower, so he set his Corvette on fire.
The worst part is, he didn't even know if they were actually stealing his belongings but he took matters into his own hands to get payback, regardless.
15. Florida woman accused of shooting and killing a dog because her boyfriend would not crack her back.
I guess the dog wasn't as important as that back crack. She didn't get what she wanted so she tried to scare her boyfriend into doing as she said. I don't think it really worked...