My father passed away 2 years ago, not too long before my 18th birthday, and I have not been the same. I've accepted that whoever I was- whoever I was going to become- is gone as well. My life has been irrevocably altered, and the way I move through the world will always be somewhat affected by that trauma.

I will be grieving for the rest of my life. There won't be a day where I don't remember what I've lost. What my family has lost. What my nieces and nephews will never have.

I have been grieving every day for the past 2 years.

But you wouldn't know it by looking at me. There was only a short period (during my grieving process) where I was quite visibly hurt. Compared to how I acted before and now, it was quite jarring and raw, but still short lived. And because of that, most people thought (and think) I was okay. My friends slowly stopped cheering me up. The letters stopped rolling in. The neighbors stopped giving me sad pitting smiles. Only my family, the ones who were going through the same process I was and am, understood that no matter how okay I looked on the outside, I was not healed.

I'm still not healed. But to stop yourself from screaming every day, from ripping your hair out in anger, from puffing your eyes from constant hot tears you have to act like you are. You have to start living again. You have to step back into the world. Yours has spun off its axis, but you have to get used to the dizzy new atmosphere you're struggling to catch your breath in.

I can laugh. I can goof off. I can sing, dance, skip, run, talk, eat, sleep, make friends...I can live. I can live, without being visibly broken. That does not mean I am not.

If you know someone who has lost someone, I implore you to please be aware of their grief. No matter how many years- even decades- have passed, they still miss their loved one. Inexplicable things can drive their hurt back to the forefront of their mind, and they may never be able to explain to you why. More obvious things can do the same, things they once loved and you thought was removed from their grief or they were ready to experience again.

No matter if you can link triggers to one's grief, never assume that someone is "ready" for something if they have not explicitly told you. Grief is complex, and you will never be able to understand what someone is feeling. Everyone's relationships to their loved ones are just as unique as the individual, thus you can never understand the intricacies of how deeply affected someone is by losing a loved one.

Just support them. Encourage them to seek healthy outlets to work on their mental health. You don't have to walk on eggshells, but be aware of their triggers. Help them live a life as close to normal as they can.

My father passed away 2 years ago. I am still not the same, and that's okay. The way I live my life will always be affected by that trauma and that is okay. I am still grieving, but I am also happy. And that is okay.