Forgiveness? How can I forgive someone who has wronged me? I thought a lot about what the Irishman said. The sad dad was easy to forgive that he believed the stupid excuses his wife gave him? Do I want to be like that guy? Or do I want to be the guy that knows what happened but forgave her like the Sad Sack at the bar. Or do you become an ass and used your hurt as a weapon like the jackass from Wall Street. I would like to think I am like the Irishman and willing to forgive all those who wrong me. God is the God of mercy and the love of God can forgive anything. But I am a human, I am not God. Sometimes I cannot give the forgiveness people ask of me. I would like too, though. But you never know until you are in that situation.
I used to come out hard against cheaters. But sometimes things just happen. It does not mean that it's right or that it is not hurtful. All things can be forgiven if someone is given love instead of anger. Trust is one of the hardest things to build and one of the easiest to destroy. It is like a dining room set. You set all the china silverware, and nicely folded napkin; then someone come along and pulls the table cloth and ruins everything. When trust is broken things can never be the same or go back to normal; unless you want to be like the stupid guy in the subway car. I could never put with blatant and rampant cheating that his wife was doing. I could not help but feeling bad for the Irishman. He wife cheated on him and told him six months later and he still married her and she cheated again. That's why I think forgiveness is a fool's errand. Because how can you ever trust the person that wronged you again? You have no guarantee that they will keep their word the second time. I don't know infidelity is like having sex with your mom in an elevator, it just wrong on so many levels. It's wrong, not if ends or buts it's wrong. Revenge affairs are even worse because they are meant just to hurt. They are deliberate and using people. They are not accidental. Some people in this world get what they want and do not care about whom they step on and what they have to do to get it.
The subway car smelled like pee and shame. Have you ever felt like such a loser. When you but your trust in something and that thing or person hurts you time and time again and you blame yourself for ever trusting them in the first place. It feels like your hear is stabbed with a thousand daggers and it is bleeding out while being yanked out of your chest forcibly. It is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. It is a pain like no other. Because you could not have changed anything and something happened to you. I always wondered what is like to be the you who wronged someone? Does it feel just as worse? Knowing what you did, and how wrong it was. How much pain you caused? What does it feel like to be the one that ruin someone's world? To ruin someone else life is probably a fate worse than death. I cannot even imagine carrying that pain. I guess it is better if you feel that pain then if you did not feel away pain and just went on living like what you did was nothing.
I always wondered if God likes me. I have never felt like I was needed in this world. Like I do sometimes but then it seems that the people I am supposed to help does everything in their power to hurt me and trap me in pain. Then I think that I meant nothing to them and they never cared for me. I go back to feeling worthless. I used their betrayal as proof that I am worthless. Because if I was worth something they would not have done that; If they loved me they would not have needed to cheat; if they cared for me they would not have lied to me; if I was loved by God then this would never happen. So I really think God hates me. HE gave me a person that gives me constant pain. I just I am just an unlovable loser and God never loved just like she never loved me. I have been robbed of every home I ever had. I guess I do not belong anywhere and I should just die. It would be the best thing to do for everyone. I want to die. I pray for death. Because I feel worthless and I hate myself for trusting the wrong people and blame myself when they hurt me. I hate myself. I don't think I have done anything wrong but I hate myself.
After the subway I rode it full circle and got off at the station I got on it. There was a diner next to the dine bar I stopped at earlier. It was an all-night diner. But in the early hours of the morning on the wrong side of midnight it was a ghost restaurant. Complete with a skeleton crew of only two or three people. The menu was limited. It was mostly homeless people and drug addicts. But tonight seemed different, the restaurant did not have all the lights on the hanging lights over the tables were off and the only lights were the ones at the counter. I take the stool in between two loners at the counter. One was eating steak and eggs, and the other was just an omelet and toast.
"What can I get ya, Sweetie?" The waitress asked me as she chomped down on a piece of gum as if she was punishing it.
"Um… Just a coffee," I said put a couple bucks on the counter.
"Thanks honey, but I not charging you for only coffee at this hour."
"Keep the change." The cup was placed before me and I stared at the brown liquid as the steamed bathed my face.
"You look like hell." Steak and eggs said.
"I feel like it." I said with a sigh, as I raised the cup to my mouth but did not drink it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Steak and eggs asked me.
"No not really." I said.
"I hear that." Omelet and toast joined in. "I never want to talk about anything."
"Is that so," Steak and eggs said.
"Yup, never not even that bitch Karen. She cheated on me. She just ruined on relationship. All for a nothing sexual experience she did not even enjoy because of the guilt." He looked at the floor, "Fucking Bitch!" his mug took flight and shattered once it collided with the hard ground. "Sorry, Sorry about that I will pay the damages and replace the mug." He said when the kitchen staff all looked up to see what happened.
"Yeah, it looks like you got over her." Steak and eggs said.
"I did get over her and I am happily married to someone else thank you very much. It just was a onetime fling she had with a co-worker she barely knew. It hurt so badly and took me out of the relationship until I met my wife two months later and it took years before I was albe to trust again and love again."
"What did you do when you found out?" I asked.
"I screamed at her until she cried. Then a I thought of more reasons to be angry and I would text her every reason I was angry until she came to me on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness. Every time I saw her I screamed until I felt better about myself."
"How did that work out?"
"She did not want anything to do with me. We ended things."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"I watch her facebook page every day. I follow her with false accounts on all social media. So I know she is not doing as well as me. She is not married like me. Fucking bitch got what she deserved."
"That sucks man."
"My wife cheated on me once. It is just how my life goes. I am a perfect human that does not make one mistake and she just went out and hurt me like that." Steak and eggs said, "I live a perfect life and I always get take advantage of, nothing is ever good. I am always on the losing end on the world. It was like she tried everything in her power to hurt me; like she just like seeing me in pain. Our whole relationship was all about her. I never had a say and she never showed me she cared. All she gave me was pain. All I gave her was love. I always thought she just found a guy she could manipulate and trick into loving and marrying her. She never took an interest in my interests. When I told her something bothered me she would never stop doing it. If I said I was done talking about something she would talk about anyway. Just she never had any respect for me. So I just had to give up on myself and stop being who I am in order to say in the relationship. She always said that not want she wanted. But that's how she treated me. Her actions never matched her words. She only ever told me she loved me, she never showed it. So of course she cheats on me. Why not? She never but in any effort into the relationship, so why not cheat? She never cared. Or if she did she never showed it."
"That's heart breaking." I said.
"I even took her back after the first time and then she just kept breaking promises and cheating and she never ever learned her lesson and acted like I had the problem. That I should just get over it and take her back but she would never change her ways and do normal things for a relationship. Like not cheating, caring about me, loving me, that stuff she only ever cared about herself; because if she cared for me she would have listened to me, and not done what she did."
"That's rough." I said. "Do you really think she never cared?"
"She never proved me wrong. She only gave me reasons to believe that she never cared. She did not give me many to think she did. Caring for me seemed like a chore to her. She never just made a day all about me. Or listen to me. So I don't know. I think she just liked the fact she could trick me and I did all these favors for her. She just sat on her throne and I treated her like a queen and she never did the reverse. She just expected me to be always available and never let me say no to her."
"Ouch. Why did you stay?"
"I always hoped things would get better but they never did and I genuinely loved her."
"Yeah, but she did not seem to understand what being in a relationship meant. She was a massive manipulator that treated her ex's better than me. She even treated those who assaulted her better than she treated me. That's when I left. She showed me who she is in her actions and her actions screamed that she never loved me. She just wanted to be engaged and I was the first guy she tricked into marrying her. I was nothing but dog shit to her."
"That's why I moved on." Omelet and toast said.
"I can never move on. She ruined me. Absolutely ruined who I am, I just sit up at night awake and lonely. I can never love again. She ended my life. I am too afraid to start another relationship because this will all happen again. No one will ever love me."
"Well you can give her power over your life like that?" I said.
"I know. But I'm not very to get out of this pace I am in."
"How long have you been there?"
"Shit." Omelet and toast said. We all just looked forward, three men all sitting in one place nursing broken hearts. The gravity of Steak and egg's position and his feelings weigh heavy on the environment. As if the world was crying with us. No three can carry more sadness than us? The three of us sit in our wooden stools; Steak and eggs to my right and Omelet and toast to my left. All of us are lost souls trying to make the right the right decisions. We are all struggling and we are all hurting. The daggers in my heart are painful. Steak and eggs has been drawn and quartered and his relationship ended within an inch of his life. But he is now doomed to live this life a shell of who he once was. She wife killed him. She killed him not physically but emotionally and spiritually. I am not sure which one is worse. I honestly think emotionally and spiritually is worse because he walks this earth never understanding how badly he killed him. She probably is still hurting him to this day. Omelet and toast is clearly never gotten over his ex. He is still clearly hung up on her and has rushed into a marriage with a woman he does not seem to care for, I hope she finds his closure. I am not sure what he wants her to do. It is clear that Steak and eggs only wants to be treated like a person and he does not want to be used and abused which seem reasonable but she wife never saw that. She never realized what she had. If she did then she had a weird way of showing it.
She seemed to never deserve him. But she waited and waited for her to realize what she had and she never did. That killed him. If you love someone you should never treat them like they are a burden. You should listen to them and hear them. Not ask too much from them, guilt trip them to always get your way. Realize that the person you love in a person with feelings. They owe you nothing. You should not tell they that they should want to do the things you ask out of love, and the should do things out of love. Be if they don't feel loved they will see the favors as chores. They will see the relationship as a chore And if you can't see that you are driving them away that's on you. Then she cheated on him and this angel still stayed. She seemed to not care and wanted to bury it. She never deserved him and all he wanted to do was to love her. All she did was hurt him. Then she killed him. It's hard not to see yourself as the victim. But when you are not the victim and you are doing the hurting do not see yourself as the victim and make the other one feel bad about anything. He is not the one that cheated. Own up to your mistake and do what needs to be done to fix things. If you don't you will kill people just like Steak and eggs is dead. I stand up from my stool to join the ranks of the living dead as Steak and eggs is, the night was dark and cold.