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I Ghosted My Old Self For 5 Months In An Effort To Reevaluate My Life

My life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.


BREAKING (not fake) NEWS: It's true, you have to hit your lowest before hitting your highest.

I want to share my lowest with you, and I'm almost ashamed to say it had nothing to do with the loss of both of my parents. I like to think I handled that like a warrior.

Turns out I didn't, and the hurt I've been burying from that hit me all at once, the same moment my life fell apart faster than a drunk dude approaching a Jenga stack.

My life flipped upside down overnight back in August. I had my heart broken shattered, lost two very important friendships that I thought were with me until the end, lost my 9-5 job, my health took a hit stronger than a boulder, and I was absolutely lost. For the first time, ever, I let go of the reigns on my own life. I had no idea how to handle myself, how to make anyone around me happy, how to get out of bed or how to even begin the process of trying to process what the f*ck just happened. I was terrified.

Coming from the girl who never encountered a dilemma she couldn't fix instantaneously, on her own, with no emotional burden. I was checked out from making my life better. So I didn't try. I didn't even think about thinking about trying.

The only relatively understandable way I could think to deal with anything was to not deal with anything. And that's exactly what I did. And it was f*cking amazing.

I went into hiding for a week, then went on a week getaway with my family, regained that feeling of being loved unconditionally, and realized that's all I need. They are all I need. Friends? Nah. Family. Only. Always.

On that vacation, I got a call from the school district that they wanted me in for an interview the day I come home. It was for a position that entailed every single class, combined, that I took in my college career. It was a career that I had just gotten my degree for three months before.

I came home and saw my doctor and got a health plan in order. I was immediately thrown into the month-long hiring process for work. I made it a point to make sunset every single night, alone, to make sure I was mentally caught up and in-check at the same exact speed that my life was turning. I was not about to lose my control again. Not ever.

Since August, I have spent more time with family than ever. I've read over 10 new books, I've discovered so much new music, I went on some of my best, the worst and funniest first dates, I made true, loyal friends that cause me zero stress while completely drowning me in overwhelming amounts of love and support, I got back into yoga, and I started that job and damn near fell more in love with it than I ever was for the guy I lost over the summer.

But most importantly, I changed my mindset. I promised myself to not say a single sentence that has a negative tone to it. I promised myself to think three times before engaging in any type of personal conversation. I promised myself to wake up in a good mood every damn day because I'm alive and that is the only factor I should need to be happy.

Take it from a girl who knew her words were weapons and used them frequently before deciding to turn every aspect of her life into positivity — even in the midst of losing one of my closest family members. I have been told multiple times, by people so dear to me that I'm "glowing." You know what I said back? F*ck yes I am, and I deserve to.

I am so happy with myself and it has nothing to do with the things around me. It's so much deeper than that, and I'm beaming with pride. Of myself. For myself.

I want to leave you with these thoughts that those people who have hurt me, left me, and loved me through these last couple of months have taught me

Growth is sometimes a lonely process.
Some things go too deep to ever be forgotten.
You need to give yourself the permission to be happy right now.
You outgrow people you thought you couldn't live without, and you're not the one to blame for that. You're growing.
Sometimes it takes your break down to reach your breakthrough.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

My god, it's so f*cking good.

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Yes, I Go To A Top 'Party School,' No, I've Never Blacked Out

I want to remember the memories I'm making.


Although my school, Miami University, is distinguished as a public Ivy League school and is known for its academics, it is also one of the top 20 party schools in America. Between the numerous bars in Uptown Oxford that you can get into at 18 and the many parties at frats and off-campus houses, it's not hard to find a "good time."

However, many students like to take their nights a little bit further than a "good time."

I can't tell you how many times I've overheard a conversation on a Saturday morning in Starbucks or a Monday morning in class where someone is almost bragging about having no memory of their night out. Despite this culture, in my three-and-a-half years at Miami, I've never blacked out.

Call me crazy, but I want to be able to actually remember the memories I'm making in college.

I'm not trying to shame the people who choose to live that lifestyle or judge them for their choices. If going out is truly how you enjoy spending your time, then that's a personal choice. However, I'm living proof that it's possible to go out and drink without getting blacked and I think a lot of college students don't understand that. I enjoy having a good time with my friends, but I know my limits and I have no desire to surpass them. Not only do I wish to keep my liver intact, but buying that many drinks in one night is expensive. And maybe I'm just a control freak, but I also have zero desire to wake up in the morning and have no clue what I did and who I was with the night before.

I've had so much fun in college, and many of my favorite nights have been spent completely sober or with a good chick flick and a couple glasses of wine. I wouldn't want to trade any of that for nights spent kneeling over disgusting bar toilets and mornings where I have to try to piece together all of the crazy things I did the night before.

I find it so unfortunate that so many people believe that college doesn't get better than that.

So to all the other college students out there, while it's true that college is probably the last (and only) time we can get away with going out on Wednesday nights on a regular basis (any fans of Country Night at Brick?), that doesn't mean that drinking until you black out is the only option. Everyone says that college is four of the best years of your life, so why not try to enjoy them to the fullest?

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