There’s no better incentive to finally begin that diet you’ve been talking about than the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Either by a cruel twist of fate or the strategic wrath of a sadistic marketing genius, the show is aired right as you polish off the last of your Thanksgiving leftovers. Because really... when is a better time to watch 55 genetically blessed Amazons (for whom EVERY season is bikini season) parade around in perilously high heels?
This year, the show was located in Shanghai, and a ticket for one of the coveted spots in the crowd was worth more than my first-born child. Why so expensive? I would assume that the ticket prices cover the wickedly costly costumes and outfits they deck the angels in. The famed jeweled fantasy bra itself is $2 million!
Anyways, buckle up. Here’s the 2017 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in a nutshell:
The show kicks off with a cheesy intro about Beijing that’s giving me flashbacks to the documentaries we watched in elementary school—back when cranky substitute teachers would wheel Prehistoric Era television sets into the room while the whole class prayed that today would be the day the TV spontaneously combusted. Exquisite natural, historical, and modern sites are shown. Then the camera cuts to a teenage boy with braces shouting “I have been waiting my whole life for this!!!” Sure buddy…you and every other high school boy. We’re then introduced to the performers: Harry Styles *SWOON*, Miguel, Jane Zhang, Leslie Odom Jr., and pianist Li Yundi.
Once the intro ends, the party begins. Wow those models’ two-a-days definitely paid off. Candice Swanepoel starts off the show and whoa. Girl looks fine. Harry Styles is JAMMIN’ and he looks goooOoooOooOOd, although his moves are borderline Ferris Bueller-on-a-float.
We cut to the models reminiscing about walking the runway in years past. Not a single one says anything either surprising or revolutionary. Disappointing, but I’m guessing their job descriptions generally don’t require actually speaking.
Gracefully, the camera moves us on to the “Porcelain Angel” round, and Miguel and Yundi take the stage. Before this moment, I had completely forgotten about Miguel, but damn he has the voice of a sweet, sweet angel (lol). The wings in this round have definitely improved. They look like absurdly priced, beautiful Anthropologie wall decor.
All of a sudden, we’re watching a kung fu workout. Cringe, CRINGE, CRINGE. The models look more out of place than your parents at a tailgate. Their instructor, Max Wang, is the saving grace of the scene. He’s easy on the eyes AND a famous stunt choreographer. Sign me up. The “fight” sequence is set to Believer by the Imagine Dragons. I feel personally victimized and Max Wang should too.
An aside—I can’t help but wonder about the Angels’ ankle workouts. There’s no way those shoes are easy to walk in. They must have ankles of steel.
Me at date parties:
To be honest, "Hamilton" sensation, Leslie Odom Jr., is a stranger to me. I never saw the musical. But he opens his mouth in Shanghai and I get the chills. Stranger no more! He just became my favorite Odom, sorry Lamar!!
The models are now embracing the winter theme. I like to embrace a winter fashion theme with thick layers and a healthy dose of black, but I guess when you’re an angel winter means wearing metallic trees on your back in your underwear. Some value warmth. Some value…fashion.
OH NO! CBS, YOU DID NOT. Ming Xi wipes out. Why edit it out when you can film her from all angles crying? Angels, they’re just like us! Poor Ming. She was pumped the show is in her hometown, and then she’s humiliated on national television. The other models have to be thanking the Victoria’s Secret gods that it wasn’t them who took a tumble. Have a nice trip, Ming! See you next fall! (Unless you lose your Angel status when you fall, then I guess we won’t.)
In other news, Karlie Kloss is an ice queen in the best possible way. Crushed it.
Now the girls are talking about how “crazy” they get to be doing Pink. I wish we could see the real behind the scenes because I KNOW it’s not all air kisses and hugs.
Jane Zhang performs the Pink portion of the show. Jane reminds me of a Chinese version of Katy Perry. She could honestly be walking in the show, but idk if she cuts it height wise.
The Pink outfits give off weird 90’s gym class vibes, and I am NOT enthused. Bring back the beautiful Anthropologie wall art wings plz.
Next up is Alessandra Ambrosio’s final walk! Not gonna lie, I would love to hang with her. She seems dope. I bet she has some great stories from previous VS shows.
Harry Styles is back and hotter than ever! DADDY HELLO. Lais Ribeiro has the honor of wearing the famous fantasy bra. Good for her. You go, Glen Coco! Harry starts singing, and you can just see the hungry models’ eyes tracking him as he bobs up and down. I wonder which one will make a move on him first after the show.
The models end the show shoo-bopping around onstage, undoubtedly antsy to have their first full-sized meal in weeks. They’re awkward. I’m uncomfortable. But one thing’s for sure…my diet starts tomorrow! I promise.
Until next year!
