My philosophy: I’m not mad. It’s just my eyebrows. They may dip into the center of my face looking like symmetrical silhouettes of the steepest roller coaster dip at Six Flags, but they're proof of my improvement in brow shaping.
Truth is, I’m no makeup expert, but I’ve screwed up my hairy arches long ago enough to comfortably laugh at myself, which brings me to my other philosophy:
Rushing to reach perfection is a waste of time. The more you make mistakes, the more stories you'll have to tell. That'll bring you one laugh closer to getting the abs of your dream bod.
Someone anonymous said: "Always remember, it's better to arrive late than to arrive ugly." When I stumbled upon that quote, girl, I took that to heart. I risked not having enough time to eat breakfast in the morning and tardiness so that I could shape up (pun intended) the facial hair above my seeing spheres into something Audrey Hepburn would have envied.
Here is a definitive timeline of the two of hairy patches on your face that once resembled a pair of strings but are now feathered into beautiful brows that do the talkin'.
In 2009, you didn’t care about your Virgin Caterpillars.
This is the middle school-to-freshman year of high school you that stayed warm for the winter.
2011. Butt-less. Brows. Need I say more?
This should be called Girl-Meets-Tweezer, but the more importantly, girl-deforested-the-outer-halves-of-her-brows.
You kind of can’t have a tail without a butt, and without a butt, there’s no tail to wiggle…Nothing to wiggle means no emotion to showcase.
Whether you were happy, sad, excited, surprised, no one really knew the heck how you really were because you eliminated the section of your brows that does all the arching.
Your first mass makeup haul happened in 2012 when there was an all-you-can-stuff-in-your-sweatshirt-pocket-in-secret deal in her bathroom. You still rocked butt-less brows.
Maybe this wasn’t the case for you if you were allowed to wear makeup at all as a pre-teen.
When I was a high school sophomore, I didn’t own enough of my own makeup to know how to properly cake-up. Instead, I thought I was cute enough wearing flake-up.
The only two products I used from my sophomore to junior year of high school, I found in the back of one of my mother's bathroom drawers: A black, glittery eyeliner pencil and mascara that couldn’t hold a curl which flaked off by 2:00 p.m. after school.
To make matters worse, my dark, charcoal-rimmed eyes sucked the intensity out of my 50 percent existent eyebrows.
Your 2015 New Year’s resolution was to be healthier. Once you realized that wouldn’t last, you not only brought the McFlurry back into your diet but changed your resolution to grow your eyebrows back to McFurry.
I'm sure that by now your eyebrows are as full as you've lived up to this year of 2017.
For every stroke of pomade, you make with the angled bristles of your brush on your brows, take your time, and don't use too heavy of a hand. But don't take too long because balding brows might be a thing before you know it, and you might have a lil' trouble scrubbing off those inky rectangles.