Colorado Marijuana Revenue Takes In $996 Million
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Colorado Marijuana Revenue Takes In $996 Million

What we did with the money...

Colorado Marijuana Revenue Takes In $996 Million

Life is hard here in Colorado, and from the looks of it, things are only going to get harder. Recently, the staggering numbers of all marijuana sales in Colorado was released at just under $1 billion for the year 2015. But this news came at an unwelcome time for Coloradans everywhere. Coming out of 2014 with $700, the state soon realized that it had a deeply concerning problem on its hands: What do we do with all this cold, hard drug money?

Government officials everywhere have exhausted all possible ways to spend the absurd amount of money, ushering in a state of emergency.

First, we tried paving everything in gold. Major highways, then not-so-major highways, then city streets and, eventually, everything from alleyways and hiking trails, to man-made tracks cutting across small patches of grass. All 24-karat gold.

Then, we made murals. Huge pot leaves reaching up to the sky, made of diamonds, every couple blocks.

Then we started buying up exotic animals. As I'm typing this, I have to occasionally feed the miniature albino peacock attached to my wrist by a Flav a Flav chain.

Then, we bought the rights to Tupac's hologram, essentially serving as a Walmart greeter -- again, every couple of blocks.

We bought stock in companies that we long dead. Borders. Shopko. Sharper Image. Blockbuster. Enron. We still had more money than we could conceivably spend.

Then came the Bugatti Demolition Derby. That was a lot of fun, but we still had money to spend.

We eclipsed the Marlin's contract for Giancarlo Stanton by $100 million just to have him stand around at a local Hot Topic and shake his head "yes" or "no" to customers using the dressing rooms.

Then, we tried just literally hiding the money. Coloradans everywhere put down their bongs and exotic animals and picked up shovels. Being so stoned, the holes averaged about two inches deep, so that obviously wasn't working.

So we smoked it. We smoked the rest of the surplus cash and it wasn't easy. People worked around the clock to do what Coloradans to best: solve problems by smoking.

That was all in 2014. So, the news of 2015's mind blowing profits on marijuana sales came with tears to the blood-red eyes of Colorado's great and stoned people.

We've been trapped in a state of perpetual wealth with no conceivable means of escape. Like when Macaulay Culkin had that absurd spending spree in "Home Alone 2 Lost in New York," only instead of being driven forward by a heartwarming story and family and perseverance, Colorado is just drowning in wealth.

If you're out there -- if anyone can read this -- please send help, or at least more rolling papers.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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