I was planning on typing out everything you’ve missed these past 19 years. To be honest, I’m still not sure if you even deserve to know. I’m not sure if you deserve to even hear from me. But, peace is something that is important to me. Your vacancy had left me years of questioning what I did wrong, watching you build a relationship with your other child and not me, trust issues with boys. You broke my heart before a boy ever could. You say how much you miss and love me, but how could those words ever be true when your actions have done nothing besides prove the opposite. But I’m not going to sit here and say this has left me in misery. I have everything I need in life. Amazing friends, a home, a healthy body, and the most loving family I could ever ask for. You didn’t break me. That’s the thing. You leaving will never break my confidence, never give me any doubts that I am SO loved, and it will never affect who I am. I didn’t lose anything "dad". You did.
How will I ever be able to trust you? How will I ever know you won’t walk out of my life again the minute I welcome you back in it? How will I know you’ll really call when you say you’ll call? Well, I guess that’s the problem. I never will.
You missed my first dance lesson, and my first time losing a tooth. You missed my first school project and my first concert. My first kiss and first heartbreak. You missed the nights I stayed up studying for tests. The day I learned how to drive. Or the day I spent in the hospital after a sprained wrist. You missed the moment I walked across the stage or opened my acceptance letter to college. You missed it all. Most importantly, you missed what it took to be my parent.
The past 19 years have been nothing short of amazing for me. I was an honors student. I won awards for dance. I’ve made the dean's list every semester. I’ve had so many accomplishments that I’m damn proud of. My mom and my grandparents had the pleasure to watch them all. And you know what? I did it all without you.
Here’s the thing…I am okay without you being here - but I can never be okay without you having a valid reason for walking out on me.
19 years too late.