From the time before I was pregnant, I knew I was meant to be a mom. I had been a dog mom (literally dressing them in baby clothes and diapers) since I was in elementary, had baby fever for quiet some time and had a new nephew. So you can only imagine how I felt when I saw the pregnancy test show two pink lines. On December 22, 2017 at 11:45 PM, alone, I took a test. I don't remember why, I guess I just had a "feeling". I have a video of me crying in my bathroom because I was so excited to finally get the chance to be a mom. I 'thought' I could wait until Christmas day and give Hayden the best Christmas present. But apparently I'm inpatient and thought wrong. That night, I told him that I just needed something from town and I'd be right back. I went to Walmart and bought a 3-pack of sleepers, pacifiers, and a notecard that had "Baby" on it. After I got home I put all of that and my pregnancy test in a bag and hid it until the next morning. I remember trying to wake him up so I could tell him, and my entire body shaking while I was giving it to him waiting for him to open it. As soon as he realized, he hugged me and we just laid there and cried. I was overwhelmed with joy and the fact that I got to have a baby with the man that I love so much.

I had done plenty of research in the past to know that anything could happen in the very beginning, so I chose to only tell my mom. I needed someone who knew what they were doing and how to schedule my appointments. So on Christmas day, she was lucky enough to receive a pee stick as well, and she 100% didn't believe us. She was the easiest person to tell, I was nervous to tell Hayden's parents, and just plain scared to tell my dad. We had ordered onesies that had "Baby Offield" on them to tell them. Hayden asked his parents out to dinner, his mom said that's how she knew we had news lol. They handled it well, who doesn't want more grand babies. But when we came back home and it was time to tell my dad, Hayden pretty much had to force me, and lets just say, I knew it wasn't going to go well. Being the only one that said ANYTHING, I was ready for the conversation to be over with him. I think it's best not to say what my dad had to say to Hayden. (They're still best friends).

I love planning, so from the day I found out, I was ready to plan for the gender reveal (only because Hayden insisted we have one), baby shower, and nursery. At just two months we started getting ready for the gender reveal. My dad, Hayden, and I built the cutest shelves to put cupcakes on. I had already bought all the decorations, gotten the invitations in and mailed out. We just had two more long months to wait until we found out the gender.

Cohen waving to his parents at 13 weeks.

From the start of the pregnancy, I had morning sickness. That's usually a sign that you're having a healthy pregnancy, right? I found out I was anemic and needed to not only take my prenatal vitamins, but also iron pills. I've always had problem with pills but I knew I needed to take them for the baby. Around 16 weeks I finally started to show, barely, but I could tell, and a few customers at work mentioned me getting a belly. I had felt movements for so long so I didn't worry about how small I still was. Also, because at all of our appointments my doctor said he was measuring perfectly. Every time I'd be ready for bed, I got to fall asleep to him kicking. I'd find where ever he was and go to bed with my hand over him every night. Something I still find myself doing.

19 weeks

Hayden stayed in College Station at the time since it was closer to work, and I stayed with my dad. A couple times a month I'd go there during the week and stay with him. Different from when I normally went there, he wanted me to come on a Tuesday, I'd just have to get up earlier to make it to work. We just ate dinner and went to bed, once again, I got to fall asleep to kicks. Every morning, very early he'd make me have to pee, so as usual I woke up around 3 AM. When I went back to bed I had horrendous cramps, I didn't think much of it since the week before, at our doctor we were told "everything's perfect". At around 5:30 AM, I couldn't handle it anymore, I was almost in tears. But I knew Hayden had to wake up soon for work so I went in the living room and tried to calm down and stretch, I thought maybe he's just in an awkward position. At this point I was crying, I was scared. I decided to take a shower, maybe the heat would make me feel better.. it didn't. At this time, I believe my water broke, afterwards though, I was no longer in pain. I was just in complete shock. I called out for Hayden to bring me my phone, I NEEDED TO CALL MY MOM. He asked if everything was okay, and all I could say to him was "I think I'm having a miscarriage". It's almost 6 at this time and my mom was on her way, from an hour away. We waited for her to come get us to take us to the ER.

At 7 something, Hayden, my mom, and I were all waiting in a room to be seen by a nurse. I'm the type of person who doesn't show their emotions, and absolutely hates crying in front of people. So while we were waiting (which seemed like forever) I was trying my hardest to be calm. I think my mom knew what was happening more than we did, me and Hayden just knew we were scared. Coming and going, the nurse finally said, that there WAS a heartbeat, and I think the only thing I said to him was that we didn't know the gender yet and not to say anything. Was i in denial about the situation? I think I was just hoping for the best. But after that, he gave us the bad news, there was hardly any amniotic fluid. We eventually got sent up to labor and delivery, that's when it became more real. My doctor was around, just "busy" with someone else. She had been around since we had first checked in. Luckily, I had amazing nurses who made sure I was doing okay. A lot of the day leading up to his birth is a blur. I do know that until it was ready for Cohen to come into this world, I hadn't seen my doctor.

Wednesday, at 11:10 AM on April 10, 2018, at 19 weeks and 6 days, we found out that we have a SON, our sweet "Baby O" was now Cohen Ray, and I had never been so happy. He is literally his daddy's twin. He has his eyebrows. His lips. His nose! I just know he would've had Hayden's personality and humor too. We got 24 hours with him. That's all. The next day when it was time to leave I didn't want to hand him over. I knew that was the last time I'd get to see him, and hold him and I wasn't ready. There are so many things I regret now about that short time I got to have with him. I didn't know how this would be or what was okay to do while I had him. I remember asking Hayden if it was okay that I was taking pictures of him. I wish I would've had taken more, and videos of his him holding Cohen. I wish I would've had someone take family pictures, all we have is a couple of us lying in the hospital bed. I wish I wouldn't have slept that night and just stayed awake so I could hold him, or take him on a walk, or just talk to him. The thing I regret the most and think about everyday, is that I never kissed him. It hadn't hit me until it was too late that there was going to be so many things I wish I had done, or done differently to prevent this.

For so long, I blamed myself for the most part, things I should've done more of to keep him healthy, things I shouldn't have done. But I also blamed my doctor. I had a normal appointment scheduled weeks before the last one I had that had to get rescheduled because of another patient. So why wasn't my son's life as important as that person's the day I needer her? Cohen had a heartbeat 4 hours before he was born into this world. If she would've seen me sooner, maybe she could've stopped the fluid from leaking. Something could've been done to save him.

Thursday we had to go home and set up funeral arrangements, something that I never thought we'd be doing. The love and support we got from our families is the only reason we were able to get through this. That Friday came so fast, driving to our sons funeral was something I won't forget, having Hayden by my side meant everything to me. At his funeral, seeing our closest family members there made it real. Leading up to that, as backwards as it sounds, I felt the need to stay strong for Hayden. I knew he loved Cohen, but I didn't know how much this affected him or not. But as we sat there, listening to Preacher Adam talk about our baby boy, I couldn't do it anymore. I broke down crying.

I knew that it wasn't going to get easier, but as time goes on, it becomes so much harder. We live in a 3 bedroom house that we planned on raising him in. We have his bedroom, empty, and his baby bed still in a box. We have many days of just crying and wishing we had him here. Mother's Day was probably the hardest of the days I've had to deal with so far. Hayden drove us to the cemetery and for the first time I just sat there, legs criss crossed, crying. I had so many plans for his future. I was excited for the sports he would play, and the family trips we would take, and all the milestones that were to come. I looked forward to the poopy diapers I'd have to change, and I didn't care if i was gonna lose sleep.

One of the reasons I decided to write his story is because I feel like I don't get to talk about him enough. As soon as I explain to someone what happened, their faces change and they automatically start apologizing. People sometimes find it hard to say Cohen's name, but I love to hear his name. I love to talk about him. I want to be able to talk about him without having to worry about people's thoughts and emotions for me.

April 10th wasn't just the saddest day of my life, but also the happiest. It's the day I became a mom. It's the only day that I'll ever have getting to hold my Cohen Ray.