Coffee is so important to some peoples daily lives. As I've gotten older, this saying has become more and more true for me as well. You see those decorative signs or mugs that say things like “Don't talk to me before I have my morning coffee” or “Coffee runs through my veins” and for most people who buy those items, they just see them as cute and funny.

But for a lot of people that's a really real thing for them, and working at a coffee shop in college proves that. I've been working at a coffee shop on campus for a year and a half now, and not only have I come to love the process of making different drinks but I've come to really find joy in depicting why certain people get certain drinks.

I've had huge built grown men order drinks like a Frappuccino, while wholeheartedly expecting them to get black coffee and want for me to throw some dirt in it or something, and the whole thing is just so funny to me. I have people that come in every day and I know what they are going to get before they even order.

I have spent lots of hours making all kinds of drinks and have had all types of people order everything you can image, so I believe I know now what people’s coffee orders says about them, Jenna Marbles style. And ps if you don’t know who Jenna Marbles is, look her videos up on YouTube they are great.

Espresso Shot.

When people order espresso shots, my go-to thought is oh they need to be awake and alert for any of the following: a test, studying for a test, staying awake for an early class because they were up all night studying, or they are an architecture student. Those are the easy things to guess when people order espresso shots. The real reason people order espresso shots is they need to get the nerve to do something, they are pretentious, and or they are from Europe.

Breve.

Breves is such a weird drink to me. For those of you who don’t know what is in one, they are made with espresso, potentially an added flavor, and steamed half and half. The person who orders a Breve doesn’t count calories or worry about food in any way. Half and Half as the base to me is so unnecessary and yes they taste nice, but they are heavy and just full of sugar and calories.

Really the people I've noticed ordering these are stick thin, which makes sense to me. If I could eat and drink whatever I wanted without putting on weight I would drink it too, so you go calorie drinkers!

Black Drip Coffee.

I love the people that order black drip coffee because I get to check them out and give them a cup and my job is done. These people are the coffee in the veins people I was talking about. That cup they just bought at 11 a.m., well its probably their 4th cup and they are slightly buzzed while ordering and they hate their job.

Or its a dad that is on a Junior Day campus tour with his 17-year-old daughter and the thought of her coming here and slutting around is freaking him out. Or they are normal people like me, who don’t want to spend a fortune on a mixed up latte but still get the effects of the supernatural power that coffee gives you.

Mocha.

Mochas are tricky to give to a specific type of people because they are so universal, and liked by many. But I do think that Mochas are the gateway drink into drinking drip coffee and to becoming a coffee lover. Mochas are indeed how I got my start into being a full on coffee addict. So I'd say that most people that order Mochas are beginners that want to try coffee, and or get more into it.

Caramel Macchiato.

Caramel Macchiatos are a coffee lover staple. Even if you love black coffee, you know you love a good iced or hot Caramel Macchiato every once in a while and if you disagree you are lying to yourself. Which brings us to who these people are.

The people that order Caramel Macchiatos are either the most basic as basic can be, someone who loves caramel on and with everything, a coffee lover who loves something sweet every once and a while, or a 16-year-old who’s go-to coffee order during the winter is a Pumpkin Spice Latte and an iced Caramel Macchiato during the summer. But I will admit, during the summer time they are just SO REFRESHING, LIKE JUDGE ME I DON’T CARE.

Americano.

I feel the same way about Americano's as I do Breves but in a totally different way. I don’t understand Americanos or the people who order them because all they are, are hot water and a shot of espresso in a cup. Like what? Just order drip coffee? Why do you want watered-down espresso?

Espresso in America is already bad, like don’t make it worse. I somewhat understand when people order that and want to add cream and sugar, that's at least more reasonable. But just plain hot water and espresso? No. Those people hate life and are looking for any way to make it worse.

You know the type, the person that always has something to complain about, well they are complaining about their coffee right now to someone they hate at the job that they hate, because americanos are sad and only sad and unhappy, watered down people like them. Sorry but ew.

Red Eye.

Red eyes are fun. When its 11 p.m. and someone comes up to order and they say “Can I get a Red Eye and an extra shot in that” I get excited. Those people are crazy, up to no good type of stuff and I want to join. Like what dude???? You want a double shot of espresso and you wanna mix that with drip coffee and add no cream or sugar?? Like that dude has killed someone and you know it.

He lives on the wild side and never sleeps. People that drink Red Eyes like daily are the people who go out every night for the weekend, plus some weekdays and like they pretty much die but are awake and at work at 6 a.m. the next day and stop during their lunch break to get Bloody Mary’s, like that's the kind of person you want to either stay far away from or be best friends with.

These people don’t take life too seriously which is a virtue, but also they are your kids “Fun Aunt or Uncle” until their 40’s cause marriage is not in the cards for them. So next time you go to order a Red Eye, make sure you can live up to its lifestyle.

Chai Latte.

People that order Chai Lattes are not people I want to hang out with. Usually, they are super preppy college girls who “love tea” or just don’t like coffee. Or old women. And those old women were probably preppy college girls who “loved tea”. Either way, I think they are a cop out and totally lame.

They are ONLY made unlame if and only if the person wants to make it a Dirty Chai, then you’re okay. But people who order just chai in a latte will have 20 cats someday mark my words.

London Fog.

London Fogs are just a no from me. They taste alright, my anger towards the London Fog drinkers has nothing to do with the drink and everything to do with the name of it and the way your tone in your voice is when you order it. If you come up to me and order a London Fog in a British accent, you are automatically going to have to wait longer, because 1) I can tell its a fake accent and 2) the only reason you are ordering this drink is because you’ve “been to London” and it reminds you of your trip (ew).

Another reason people order London Fogs is because they genuinely want to seem cool like they know coffee drinks that might not be on the drink board and either want to make the barista seem like they don’t actually know what they are doing or like I said want to seem cool like they are so out of the box and hipster. Let's get real here, people that order London fogs are a**holes. You don’t actually like it, and I don’t want to hear about the “Bloody good time” you had in London, like cool, but no.

Latte.

Latte lovers are people who love feeling like they are in an episode of Friend’s or Sex and The City. They are a pretty standard drink, that can be made with a large variety of flavors. I just feel like lattes are an easy out too. I don’t know, they are just plain and boring.

Unless you order a really weird mix of flavors AND it tastes good, then you win and your not boring. But when people order them I just feel like they are Big Apple wannabes. Latte lovers are people who love feeling like they are in an episode of Friend’s or Sex and The City.

They are a pretty standard drink, that can be made with a large variety of flavors. I just feel like lattes are an easy out too. I don’t know, they are just plain and boring. Unless you order a really weird mix of flavors AND it tastes good, then you win and your not boring. But when people order them I just feel like they are Big Apple wannabes.

Cappuccino.

Last but not least, cappuccinos. Working at a coffee shop in the middle of Kansas, you don’t get to make a ton of cappuccinos. I wish I had a reason why that is, but I’m not sure why. Okay, I’m soooo not trying to be a London Fog person, but the past summer I studied abroad in Italy and honestly they make the BEST cappuccinos there!

My reasoning behind people not ordering them in America is because 1) they don’t like foam and cappuccinos are half foam and or 2) they’ve drank them in Italy and America and Italy’s takes the cake hands down so it's just almost depressing to drink it here.

Well, there you have it, what your drink order says about you from a real-life barista. Hopefully, you didn’t get offended, but hey when you tell me you wanted skim instead of whole milk and I nicely offer to remake the drink for you and you’re rude, you become what you got offended by. So follow Ellen DeGenerous’s advice and Just be nice. Barista Out.