SAN FRANCISCO- In the long-anticipated conclusion of a five year longitudinal study, researchers have found "statistically significant evidence" that the daily consumption of at least 32 ounces of Coca-Cola "can be linked to reduced levels of hypertension" and a "largely improved sex life." The study, funded by a 5.3 million dollar grant from Coca-Cola, was performed by professors of biology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine.

"Our research dispels previous studies linking excessive consumption of ice-cold and delicious Coca-Cola to various diseases, including obesity and hypertension." stated University of Pennsylvania professor of human physiology Dr. Rory Strauss. "In fact, according to our experts, at least 68% of Americans are currently living with dangerously low cola levels."

Dr. Strauss has stated that, according to the results of the current study, Coca-Cola may very well be a "key ingredient in the prevention of the negative effects of obesity." Researchers found evidence connecting consumption of Coca-Cola to the "lipoapoptosis," or the programmed death of fat cells.

"Our research suggests that the consumption of our sponsor's product leads to the destruction of fat cells, much like the destruction of thirst when one cracks open an icy-cold can of Coca-Cola on a hot summer day." Dr. Strauss stated in the aforementioned press conference.

Additionally, evidence linking consumption of Coca-Cola to decreased rates of hypertension was found in statistically significant numbers. "When our subjects drank Coca-Cola, their systolic blood pressure lowered by an average of 23 points." Dr. Strauss stated. Researchers "hypothesize that this effect is due to the refreshing quality of the syrup," which Strauss described as being "mixed with love."

Though no research was found connecting consumption of Coca-Cola to obesity or high blood pressure, researchers were able to find a connection between Coca-Cola and increased levels of "sex hormones and pheromones." Strauss has stated that this surge of testosterone or estrogen can be linked to pupil dilation (considered a sexually attractive trait), and in males, increased penile growth. "In males, we saw a direct positive correlation between intake of Coca-Cola and penile shaft length....Our research estimates that the daily consumption of at least 64 ounces of Coca-Cola can produce up to six inches in penile growth over the course of six months."

Pheromones, a naturally-occurring sex hormone that signals fertility to potential mates, have been found to be "greatly increased" with the consumption of Coca-Cola. In females, this increase in airboune sex hormones were found to lead to "the attraction of partners with lower body-mass-index ratings" and "more stable financial conditions." In males, the increased pheromones were responsible for a "statistically significant" increase in available sexual partners. The effect was so strong, Dr. Strauss declared the Coca-Cola induced increase in pheromones a new medical condition.

"Though we found no evidence that the consumption of Coca-Cola increases rates of obesity or hypertension, we did find increased rates of a new condition involving a spike in male pheromone rates." The first study recording this new condition, Dr. Strauss was tasked with naming the new condition, which she chose to coin "drowning in bitches."

Dr. Strauss warned journalists that the effects of this study would be impossible to repeat with rival soft drink products due to the specific "Coca-Cola proteins" found "only on delicious and refreshing Coca-Cola."

Dr. Strauss, along with three other professors of biology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, are expected to publish the results of the findings in PLoS Biology, an open peer-reviewed biological journal. At the time of publishing, Dr. Strauss had confirmed that the university has received another 4.2 million dollar grant from Coca-Cola to further investigate the effects of rival soft drinks and sex hormones. The new research project has tentatively been titled "Pepsi Makes Your Dick Fall Off" and is scheduled to begin testing in February.