“For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss til this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Emptiness, a cycle. A continuous, consuming feeling of loneliness. It comes and goes but it never ends.
The only option, it seems, to fix this wretched feeling, the only solution, must be a relationship.
The one thing that every person instinctively seeks.
Companionship, something that fills the empty space. There is no logical way that this relationship can be with another person, as many think.
How could another person with the same emptiness fill yours? It just seems naive to think that putting two empty things together will create something that is whole.
This is where Christ comes in. Fully whole and fully pure, he is ready and willing to take the pain and loneliness upon himself to make his people whole.
We are so undeserving of this free gift, but without it, we would be nothing.
C.S. Lewis also said “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”
I have to wonder how many people go through their lives hesitant. Hesitant for change, for love, for truth. Coming close, but hesitating.
Why do we hesitate? Is it for fear or is it more, is it deeper rooted?
We accept what we believe we deserve, and we act on what we think we deserve to.
I think that much of the reason for our human hesitation is not fear, but a nature that makes us feel undeserving and unimportant, to the point that we cannot accomplish.
And with this mentality, we won’t. This is where God's grace comes in.