Cheese for your feels
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A cheese for every mood

Eat away your feelings with cheese!

A cheese for every mood
Fiona Delzell

Your life may be empty of most things, but at least there's always cheese. Oh, and your pet turtle, Suzanne. He resents you for his name, but you've found common ground in your favorite dairy products.Try not to let your emotions get the best of you, but if they do, here are 10 cheeses to help you through your feelings!

1. Sad


You've failed your fourth exam in a row, you've lost your pet turtle, and all of your friends are mops that you've glued eyes too. Things can't really get much worse. Grab a wheel of brie and head up to your bed to wallow about your sad life. There's nothing quite like crying over a soft cheese.

2. Happy


Nothing can get you down today! Turns out your turtle was hiding under your bed the whole time and the bus actually stopped for you instead of flying past like usual. You can think of no better way to celebrate your luck than to crack open that wheel of smoked gouda that you've been saving for a day like this!

3. Angry


Nothing went right today and there is no other choice than to curse the world! Well, that and to eat a full block of that sharp cheddar cheese that you bought to put on the tacos you'll probably never make. Traffic sucked, your customers at work were fools, and worst of all your turtle hates you. Fill your mouth with cheese to mask your screams of fury.

4. Shame


You accidentally flashed your crush and your turtle somehow told everyone about your night-time gas. You've never been more embarrassed and it feels like your life is over. Go to your kitchen and eat your American craft singles over the sink like the rat you are. You can only pray that Suzanne won't take pictures of this night.

5. Jealous


At last, you've made real friends that aren't mops with eyes, but every time they come over, they're more interested in your turtle than you. You've done everything you can to make them like you but to no avail. Don't let that big green monster show in front of your new pals. Instead, bury your envy in a mound of shredded pepper jack and pretend like everything is okay!

6. Titillated


Workin' on your night cheese because your turtle is a real prude about nighttime visitors. Instead of stripping down to your skivvies, grab a spoon, a tub of cream cheese, and bundle up because this is what the single life is all about! Who needs a man when you have soft cheese!

7. Nervous


Your bio final is tomorrow and instead of studying all semester, you and your turtle have spent your time mastering harmony on the kazoo, something that should have only taken 1 night. Your nerves are acting up because you're completely unprepared, but at this point, it's not even worth cracking open your textbook. There's nothing left to do than eat crumbled blue cheese so that maybe your breath will stink as much as your grades.

8. Lonely


Your turtle won't even look at you anymore and your mop friends have fallen over with boredom. You're completely alone, save for that half eaten tub of cottage cheese in your fridge. What better way to deal with your solitude than turning on Twin Peaks and spooning old cottage cheese into your gaping mouth.

9. Suspicious


Did somebody call Gene Parmesan? Your belongings have slowly been disappearing and there's been nobody else in your apartment besides Suzanne. You have no choice but to suspect him of looting your things. You can't afford a P.I. like the Bluth family, but you can afford a tub of grated parmesan, the one thing you know Suzanne won't steal.

10. Overwhelmed


Everything seems to be falling apart. Suzanne has run away again, you have to repeat French 101 for the sixth time, and you haven't had time to do laundry in a month so you've taken to wearing a one piece instead of underwear. To add to that, your job sucks and your missing turtle posters have vanished. In these extreme cases, the only cheese to turn to is feta. Watch it crumble onto the floor, just like everything else around you.

Even if you don't have a spiteful turtle or a shambly life, nothing soothes the pain quite like cheese in bulk.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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