I have noticed something lately. This is something that applies in many contexts, to many people and at many times. There is a big difference between a criticism and an attack, and it is important to understand and acknowledge the difference.
Criticism comes in a variety of forms and contexts, so in order to understand what I'm talking about at a very basic level, let's think about something completely impersonal. Let's say you're looking for a new home. You are a family of 4 with a large dog who needs a yard to romp around in, and you want it to be in a good school district. Of course, it has to be in your budget, too.
If you see three houses, you may love them all, but you can still have criticisms of them. Maybe House A is near a noisy highway with a small yard even though the inside is fabulous and in a good school zone. Maybe House B has the best backyard you have ever seen, but only 2 bedrooms so your kids would need to share and they aren't too keen on it. Maybe House C is out in the country and a long drive to work and in a not-so-great school district.
We can talk about all of these houses and their fine qualities without trying to ignore the problems that they would cause for your family and lifestyle. Each one would be sacrificing one thing that you are hoping for. You can talk about the flaws in houses without speaking ill of the architects or construction crews who made it possible. Saying that a house doesn't meet your needs is not the same as saying that it is a bad house. The houses would be a great fit for other people-- they just aren't right for this set of circumstances.
The same applies to people, too. If your boss is telling you that you aren't doing something the way it needs to be done, they aren't telling you that you are a rotten person. They are not attacking you as a person, they are just trying to run their business more efficiently. Hopefully, they are trying to help you reach your potential by doing your job to the best of your ability.
Similarly, if a friend tells you that your stance on something or your approach to something is problematic, they aren't necessarily attacking you. Calling someone privileged, for example, is in no way an attack on their personhood. All that privilege means is that there are certain problems that you don't have to deal with, and therefore may not realize the problem exists. If you look closely enough at anyone, they will have some types of privilege and lack others, because you can only see the world through the lens of experience unless you encounter and talk to people with other experiences.
I promise that no one is trying to attack you as a person if they use the word "privilege." Having conversations that make you uncomfortable is the same as when your boss confronts you about job performance-- it means that someone cares about you and wants you to reach your full potential, even if the conversation isn't one that you enjoy. Just be grateful that there are a whole world of problems out there that you don't personally have to deal with on a daily basis, even while knowing that you have your own struggles ahead of you, too.
