When that dream you've been chasing for years on end,
When the end of the tunnel grew longer and longer,
When your young naïve heart kept getting broken,
And you kept coming back with bleeding love…
When you can't figure out when it finally came true,
After your birthday no less when that luck was still ripe,
When you got that special call you've always wanted –
Though a bit short-term, still a foot in the door…
When, upon a miracle, you made it happen at last –
A check off of your personal bucket list –
When all of this suddenness sent your head swimming,
When the longtime bad luck had overturned…
I would've been happy for setting out this score,
For holding this tricky bird in my hand –
Except when that joy slipped through like sand,
When my dreams – and I – aren't like that anymore:
Not after my long, hard struggle left me burned,
Not when my inner struggles seemed to be winning,
Not when the number of good things missed
Far outweighs the things in full passed…
Not when there's another dream I've learned to reach for,
Not when my chains have long since taunted –
Talking me into staying down, or they'll swipe,
With fear and doubt at me from seeing this through…
Not when they kept me down, no help from a dove,
Not when I wasted time, not yet having – and staying – woken,
Not when the living numbness grew stronger and stronger,
Not when I long since became a master of pretend.